Torchwood Fairy Tales
by RicardianScholar Clark-Weasley
Summary: Fairy Tales Torchwood-fied. Jack is Prince Charming, Gwen is the damsel in distress, Tosh is a princess, Owen is an idiot and Ianto is the only sane one. multi-pairings, humour-filled, angsty but lots of love filled chapters.
1. Little Red Riding Hood

**Summery: Gwen's curiosity always got her into life and death situations. Sometimes Little Red Hiding Hood needs to take risks and sometimes the Bad Wolf isn't always bad.**

**Pairings: slight Jack/Gwen **

When Gwen Cooper was seven years old she loved detective stories.

Her favourite cartoons were Scooby Doo, Josie and the Pussycats and Captain Caveman. All three were detective shows, solving ghost stories and catching the bad guy. Gwen used to consume Nancy Drew books, her father reading a chapter a night as a bedtime story and it was then she decided she will solve crimes and protect the world.

When Gwen Cooper was seven years old a series of brutal murders were happening around the surrounding area of her home.

They were the most brutal murders, bodies ravaged and half eaten by some sort of creature. Blood stained the pavements and the guts pulled out. Her mother had tried to hide the pictures on the front cover but Gwen had found them in the bin and read the articles. She was determined to solve them.

"I'm going out to play" Gwen told her mother as she zipped her red hoodie up.

"Ok dear but be careful and come home before dark" her mother said kissing her forehead. "And be sure to avoid using Forest Lane, that's where most of the murders have been happening on"

"I promise" Gwen said crossing her fingers behind her back.

Gwen wandered along Forest Lane, looking for clues by using a magnifying glass she had brought from collected cereal tokens. She examined the blood stains carefully looking for the stray hair or a paw print or something. She accidentally bumped into someone and fell backwards, that someone reached out and caught her. He scooped her up into his arms and then placed her on the floor.

"Hello little girl and what are you up to?" a deep American drawl asked, she looked up and saw the most beautiful and handsome man that she had ever seen in her life.

"I'm going to solve the murders" she said firmly, trying to cover her blush.

He bent down on to his knee so he was face to face to her. "Are you now? Well Little Red Riding Hood you best stay out of the forest in case the Big Bad Wolf gets you"

She gasped slightly and ran away from him. Slipping to a hidden alleyway, she leaned against a wall and breathed deeply. Something about tha man got to her, her little heart beats fast and she felt her face hot with her blush. She was scared of him and yet adored him immediately.

Could he have been the murderer?

She was not sure but something told he was not the murderer. She waited till dark when he must have surely left the street before she left the alleyway. She walked the street carefully keeping an eye out for clues though it was more difficult with night coming. She heard something growling behind her and she stiffened. She looked cautiously from the corner of her eye and saw nothing.

She continued walking when she heard footsteps behind her.

She stopped and the growling got louder.

She turned round and saw a monster.

She screamed.

It lunged.

_BANG!_

The monster flew backwards as the bullet hit it. Blood spurted out and hit her pale shell shocked face. She burst into tears and collapsed onto her knees. Something warm and sweet smelling filled her when an arm draped around her and pulled her to his body.

"Shh....shh...it's all right Little Red Riding Hood, the Hunter came in time" he whispered stroking her hair. "This is what has been making all those murders; it's a Bad Wolf you see. It's why you should stay away from the forest, promise?"

"P-p-promise" she stuttered.

"Good girl. Now lets get you home" he scooped her up in his arms and carried her like a princess right back to her front door step. "Have a sweetie and get a good night sleep" he told her as he handed her a mint.

She didn't ask him how he knew where she lived; she just put the mint in her mouth and went home.

The next day she had no recollection of the day before.

Years went by and Gwen Cooper grew up. She had become a police officer and solved crimes for real but one cold wet night she had saw a the most handsome man bring someone back to life. She followed him in the hospital and found a monster and the handsome man saved her. It was like déjà vu to her for some random reason. She followed and staked out all night until she worked it out and then the next day she forgot once more.

Only something triggered her memory and she remembered the day before and knew who murdered the people. Suzie Costello tried to kill her but Captain Jack came in time and literally came back from the dead to save her. She fell to her knees when Suzie died and sat there pale, shell shocked with tears running down her cheeks.

Jack bent down onto his knees and cupped her face. "Little Red Riding Hood we should really stop meeting this way" he whispered huskily.

Gwen Cooper worked for Torchwood. She found herself falling more and more in love with Jack Harkness love with a passion. Jack constantly vanished and returned, his secrets drove her mad and after the disastrous incidents that cost many of their friends' lives he had disappeared forever.

Gwen continued to fight the aliens and save people. She created her own team and worked her best.

But once just once her best was not enough and she was devoured by a weevil of all things.

Jack came too late and cried. The little girl who was so determined to solve the murders, the young woman who brought compassion and love into the Torchwood Team and was so determined to sympathise with all....

Was gone.

Maybe Little Red Riding Hood should have heeded her mother's warning?

Jack held Gwen's mutilated body in his arms and cried. "I left to spare her!" he shouted to the sky. "I left her so she would stay alive!"

A flash of light and Rose, his beloved friend, practically his sister appeared.

"Rose?" he whispered.

"Sometimes the Big Bad Wolf isn't always bad" Rose said cryptically before vanishing once more.

And then Gwen woke up.

"Jack?" she whispered.

"You stupid girl!" Jack wept pulling her to him tighter. "Must Little Red Riding Hood always go where she shouldn't be?"

"What's life without a little risk" Gwen shot back with a smile.

Jack glowered but helped her up, it started to rain and Gwen smiled fondly at it as she pulled up her red hood to keep her hair dry.


	2. Princess and the Pea

**Summery: Tosh is a sensitive sleeper and she swears there's something under Owen's mattress. **

**Pairings: Tosh/Owen **

Tosh rolled over onto her stomach and bashed her head against the pillow, snuggling her face deep into it trying to get comfortable.

No such luck. There was now something pressing up against her belly button.

She rolled over again to her side, to the very edge of the bed only to almost topple over. Her very well Torchwood refined reflexes made her roll back quickly. And punching her bed mate in the nose.

"Oh fucking hell Tosh" Owen grumbled clutching his nose.

"Sorry" Tosh said sitting up quickly. "Are you all right?"

"Do I look bloody all right?" Owen retorted turning the bedside lamp on. The room was illuminated by the small light and Tosh could see Owen's nose looked rather red but luckily not bleeding. "What the fuck is wrong with you? You're not usually this restless"

Tosh mumbled something under her breath while blushing.

She and Owen had been dating over three months now and had a better understanding of each other's sleep habits than anyone else including them. Tosh knew that Owen liked to sleep either on his back or on his side, snoring loudly mostly due to his drink and occasionally gropes depending what sort of dreams he has. Owen knew that Tosh usually curled up and fell asleep quickly after energy draining activities in the bedroom unless she was thinking to hard then she would lay on her back and stare at the ceiling. Tosh never snored in her life but she had a habit of mumbling equations in her sleep.

"I'm sorry I didn't quite catch that" Owen said raising an eyebrow.

"I said I can feel something under the mattress" she said loudly. "A lump or something"

"look Tosh I know my bed isn't as fancy as yours with your stupid satin silk whatever it is sheets and bloody expensive mattress but my bed is a descent bed" Owen said defending his bed, one of the few things he loves most. "It's comfortable, it's cheap and I've never suffered a back problem before. Also you never had a problem with my bed before, I believe you once said you enjoyed being in my bed"

"Wasn't the bed I enjoyed" Tosh muttered darkly.

"What was that?"

"Nothing!" Tosh said immediately knowing full well if Owen knew what she said he would not let her live it down for days on end. The man was too smug for his own good. "But I'm sure there's something under the mattress, can't we just check quickly. I promise I'll go straight to sleep afterwards" Tosh pleaded while widening her eyes.

"No Tosh" Owen snapped rolling over to turn the lamp off.

"Owen Harper you will let me look under the mattress or I won't ever stay at yours ever again!" Tosh snapped. Owen shrugged, unbothered, he can merely just stay at hers instead. "And when you stay at mine you'll sleep on the sofa" Tosh added knowing exactly what Owen was thinking.

"Bugger" Owen grumbled climbing out of bed. "All right Tosh have it your way but don't ever accuse me of not asking properly"

Tosh blinked in confusion but leaped out of bed and hauled the heavy mattress up, causing pillows to fall onto the floor. She bent down and peeked under the mattress. She gasped at what she saw; she slowly picked it up and held it up into the light to examine it properly.

"It's not much" Owen said nervously. "But you always said you hated flashy jewellery and I w-"

Tosh interrupted him with a long hard kiss, her hands gripping onto him tightly before she pulled away and slipped the ring on her finger. "Yes, yes, yes, a million times yes" she squealed before kissing him again.

Owen walked her back to the bed and the pair collapsed onto it in as they continued to kiss passionately. Tosh then squirmed as she felt something crumple beneath her back and pulled away.

"What else have you got under your mattress?" she asked gasping.

Owen looked away suddenly finding his headboard a lot more interesting. "Nothing" he mumbled.

Tosh pushed Owen off of her and scooted off the bed, she pulled the mattress on Owen's side up and peeked underneath, she then dropped it and glared at Owen.

"You got porn under your mattress as well?"

"Tosh I-"

"Sofa now!" Tosh snapped before climbing back into bed on her side and sighing in bliss when she was once more in comfort.

Sleep came easily after that.

The next morning everything was squealing and hugging and congratulating Tosh and Owen. Gwen and Ianto getting all excited at the idea of another Torchwood wedding while Jack was just pleased to see his two dearest friends finally together.

Owen yawned catching Jack's attention. "Spent the whole night celebrating I take it" Jack grinned.

"Sadly no"

"Why not?"

"I rather not talk about it"


	3. Peter Pan

**Summery: Jack never seems to grow up and Ianto seems to grow up too fast. As Jack watches over Ianto in his childhood, Ianto is slowly falling in love with him. **

**Pairings: mostly Jack/Ianto, if you squint Jack/Gwen, one-sided Andy/Gwen and mentions of Lisa/Ianto**

Ianto first met Jack Harkness when he was three years old.

It was in a middle of a busy street, one hand held tightly by his mother who was too busy telling Rhiannon off for throwing a tantrum over the newest Barbie doll. Ianto was holding his comfort toy – a stuffed dog – when someone walked into him, making him drop his toy. The person that had walked into him bent down and picked it up.

"Sorry" the man smiled and Ianto remembered thinking this man was the prettiest man he had ever seen. "Here you go mate" he said handing the toy back. Ianto took it shyly and the man winked before standing up right and walking out of Ianto's life.

The second time Ianto met Jack he was five.

He was crying because he fell down and no one was there to pick him up. His father was on the other side of the park playing with his sister and his mother was back at home. It was one of the first times Ianto ever felt alone when suddenly a pair of arms picked him up and he felt comforting warmth.

"Don't cry little man, you're a big strong boy and one day grow up to be a hero" the man said sitting Ianto on the bench. The man grinned and ruffled Ianto's hair. "Ordinary people like you and your family are the real heroes"

Ianto frowned not sure what the man meant before he could ask the man had left once more.

The next few times were just glimpses of a man in a long blue coat running through streets. Once he had seen the handsome man with a pretty lady, arguing while a little girl, younger than him clung to the woman. Another time the man was in his school talking to his principal...the next day Ianto's favourite teacher went missing.

When Ianto was seven his father broke his leg. He was rushed to the hospital and over night something unexplainable happened. He can't remember the exact details, his memory was extremely blurred as if someone had slipped him retcon (which he doesn't doubt at all) but he does remember the conversation between him and Jack that night.

"I remember you" Ianto said quietly. "I've seen you on the streets"

"I have a common face" Jack shrugged.

"You once made my teacher disappear!" Ianto snapped. "She was my favourite as well!"

"She was feeding on young children's energy" Jack shot back remembering the only school case that came to mind. "I saved you from becoming nothing but a shadow of yourself"

"Why don't you ever grow up?" Ianto asked curiously changing the topic. "I've seen you so many times and each time I have grown but you haven't"

"I can't grow up" Jack said patiently.

"Can't or won't"

Jack laughed and ruffled Ianto's hair. "This isn't a fairy tale kid, I'm no Peter Pan"

The years went by and Ianto stilled had his encounters with Jack Harkness. They would bump into each other on the street or Jack would sit down by Ianto in the park and have a little chat or Ianto would spot Jack at the distance and run up to him just to say hello. Sometimes the memories get blurred and Ianto could only guess that's when the aliens came in, when Jack had to retcon him. Sometimes Jack treated Ianto to a meal or ice cream and they would sit there talking for hours on end.

By the time Ianto was fourteen he was a complete loner with no friends. He worked hard at school and spent his free time either researching random facts or reading. He enjoyed the classics like Charles Dickens and the Bronte sisters. He often spent the summer at the park reading where Jack had once approached him.

"Come for a bedtime story Peter?" Ianto said not looking up from his book.

"Ha, ha very funny Wendy" There was a silence; Ianto had read five pages before Jack spoke up again. "Don't you ever do any normal teenage things? Like get drunk or eat lots of sweets and get hyper or snog a cute girl?"

"No" Ianto said primly. "I'm waiting for the right person. I don't like the taste of alcohol and too many sweets rot your teeth"

"Spoilsport" Jack said pouting slightly. "You shouldn't be so uptight, you're what fourteen? No need to act like an eight five year old"

Ianto shut his book with a snap. "And you need to grow up"

"Can't" Jack said smirking. A pretty girl roughly round Ianto's age walked past with a blonde boy tailing after her. "How about her? Go after her and just ask her out, on a date plant one on her"

"And if I don't want to?" Ianto said irritably.

"I'll do it for you" Jack said wiggling his eyebrows.

Ianto hit Jack with his book. "Paedophile" he said before leaving Jack.

The next four years the encounters were similar. Jack would appear and tell Ianto how to act like a teenager and Ianto would roll his eyes and ignore him. Jack would try to set Ianto up and Ianto would avoid it. Ianto did well in all of his classes, got high grades and applied to a London university it was his last night in Cardiff when his final non-Torchwood encounter with Jack happened.

"I heard you got into Kingston, congratulations" Jack said appearing from no where while handing him a bottle of beer. "What do you plan on doing?"

"I'm sure you already know" Ianto said looking out at the sea. "After all you seem to know everything about me and I don't know anything about you. Not even your name Peter"

Jack rolled his eyes and sighed heavily. "It's complicated alright? Nothing you need to worry your pretty little head over. So tell me have you got a girl yet?"

Ianto dropped the bottle of beer, it smashed on the pavement. "I keep telling you to stay out of it" Ianto said angrily. "After tonight I no longer want to see you in my life Peter fucking Pan"

Jack grabbed hold of him. "Whoa, whoa calm down just calm down" Ianto grabbed Jack by the hair and pulled his face down for a long harsh kiss. Ianto's tongue demanding entrance and Jack happily complying. When they pulled away they were both breathless and Jack looked stunned. "What was that?"

"A thimble" Ianto said.

He then walked away and never came back to Cardiff for six years. Three in university where Ianto Jones did a lot more growing up and met Lisa. Beautiful loving Lisa. He got hired by Torchwood One and learnt all about the aliens. It was a good life even if it did feel a bit empty without the mysterious Peter Pan.

Then Canary Wharf happened.

Left alone with an almost dead Lisa, Ianto had searched for another Torchwood and was surprised to find the Cardiff one. He was even more shocked to learn that Peter Pan – better known as Captain Jack Harkness – was the head of Torchwood Three. Jack probably didn't recognise him and much to Ianto's discomfort the tension between them was thick as ever.

Two years working for Jack. Two years of betraying him, re-earning his trust, shagging him and learning some of Jack Harkness' secrets.

Jack was immortal.

Jack doesn't age.

Jack can't die.

Jack will one day leave Ianto or maybe Ianto would die on him. Who knew.

"I won't do what you want" Ianto said once to a startled Jack. "I won't follow the story, I won't leave you and grow up and marry someone else and forget all about you. I tried that and it didn't work"

Jack smiled sadly and cupped Ianto's face. "One day you will leave me" he said.

"Only death will make me leave you" Ianto said fiercely.

And then they kissed.


	4. Rumpelstiltskin

**Summery: Rhys spreads stories about Gwen's abilities causing Torchwood to be interested. John Hart tries to help her out but with a price. **

**Pairings: Gwen/Rhys and implied John/Jack**

When Rhys got drunk he spreads a lot of exaggerated stories.

It was a flaw that Gwen could never solve or turn a blind eye to. It had often gotten Rhys into a lot of trouble and she was often bailing him out. One day however Rhys got so drunk he spun an exaggerated tale about Gwen.

"My girl, she's so amazing that she could turn straw into gold" he said loudly in a slurred voice. "We were in a barn for the night due to a camping trip gone bad and the next morning I woke up to a huge pile of gold"

The truth was they went camping, tent got nicked, spent a night in a barn and Gwen was really desperate for the loo. The story got passed along from one drunken man to another until Dr Owen Harper and Captain Jack Harkness heard about it.

"What do you think?" Jack asked his drinking buddy.

"I think it's a load of bullocks and it's your turn to buy a round of drinks" Owen said gulping the last of his beer.

"I meant about the girl"

"Is she hot?"

Jack rolled his eyes. "Should we put her in custody and check her out in case she's an alien?" he said slowly as if he was talking to someone with special needs.

"Does it mean extra paperwork?"

"Yes"

"Bugger"

Gwen Cooper was just leaving work, her uniform in it's locker and her hair out of that awful ponytail she hated when a handsome man in a long blue coat came up to her.

"Hello gorgeous, my name is Captain Jack Harkness and can I say I'm sorry, I'm so sorry"

He seemed sincere though Gwen had no idea why. He also seemed sympathetic for some reason she really hoped this had nothing to do with Rhys....oh god what if Rhys died? Had an accident? Or got kidnapped? Lost in her thoughts she didn't realise there was someone behind her until she felt a hand go over her mouth. She screamed a muffled scream and kicked her captor but it was useless as she was bundled into a big black car with tinted windows.

They led her to secret underground base and shoved her in a cell with a big pile of straw. To her horror there was some sort of monster in the cell opposite her. She screamed and banged on the door for someone, anyone, to let her out.

A good looking man in a suit came with a tray of pizza, diet coke and garlic bread. "Your dinner Ma'am, I apologise for it not being much" he said politely.

"I don't give a damn about dinner I want to go home back to my boyfriend" Gwen snapped. "Please" she whispered pleadingly.

"We're only keeping you over night" the man reassured her. "To see if you can turn the straw into gold"

"What happens if I can't?" Gwen asked.

The man smiled mysteriously. "Can't tell you, staff policy"

Gwen felt ice growing in her stomach. They were going to kill her. After picking at her dinner, she curled up in the straw and sobbed. When she dies she will become a ghost she decided, that way she'll haunt Rhys and give him shit for making up such a story. Suddenly a man appeared in a flashy light; she sat up in shock and yelped.

"Hey good looking" the man said grinning down at her. He had curly hair, tanned skin and for some reason reminded her of Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. "Don't tell Jack I'm here, I turned the CCTV off, shh"

"Who are you?" she whispered.

"Secret but you can call me Captain John Hart, everyone else does" he winked. "But with those eyes you could call me Vera and I wouldn't mind" she rolled her eyes. "What can I do for you sweet cheeks?"

"Well first you can stop calling me sweet cheeks, second you can get me out of here and third you can stop hitting on me" Gwen said huffily.

"Ooh feisty" John said grinning. "Hey freckles what's with all the straw?"

"They want me to turn it into gold...which I can't do! It was a stupid story my boyfriend made up and if I don't do it they'll kill me!"

John snorted. "Torchwood, bunch of idiots. Well don't worry darling I'll save you but at a price"

Gwen pulled out her purse and took out all the money she had in there. "Will this do?"

John took it. "Sweet, thanks darling you're a doll" he tucked the money down his pants and then used his strange black wristwatch to turn the straw into gold. "Later doll face"

He then vanished.

Instead of being able to go home like she thought Gwen was forced to sit there and be tested on by Owen Harper. She hated the man because she was sure the bastard was touching her breasts on purpose. She liked Tosh...sort of; the shy woman tested the gold and assured them it was real. Ianto Jones and Jack were all right if not slightly sadistic. She was once again locked in a cell with Janet the monster and another gigantic pile of straw.

And once again the CTV went off and John Hart sat there grinning. "Wanted to see you again doll face, have those monsters locked you in another room filled with straw?"

"They're all right but yeah" Gwen mumbled with a shrug.

"What can you give me?"

Gwen pulled off her locket that Rhys gave her last Christmas; John examined it and then grinned. "Deal"

The straw turned gold and he once again vanished. The team took her out, tested her, the gold, questioned her and then returned her with another large pile. She sighed heavily and she knew John was going to return however she had nothing worth giving him in return of his favour.

"How about your baby?" John asked. "I'm picturing a child of yours to be a pretty little thing. I do this for you and I get your first born"

Gwen had decided years ago she'll never have children and saw no problem in making this deal. "Ok"

To her shock, instead of letting her go forever or locking her up forever Gwen Cooper was hired as a new member of Torchwood. She rapidly became friends with the other members and the nasty incident was forgotten (though Rhys was still sleeping on the sofa to this day). Gwen finally married the man of her dreams despite his stupidity and the whole Torchwood Team sat in the bride section clapping them.

Then to Gwen's shock she was pregnant.

John never showed up so she dismissed it.

She gave birth to a boy, John never showed up so she dismissed it.

The boy was three months old....John showed up.

"No" Gwen said coldly standing between him and the cot. "I don't care what I said back then; I was young, foolish and thought I never would have children"

"Sweet cheeks, you can't stiff me we made a bargain" John cooed.

"I got more money, more valuables, weapons and technology I'll give you anything but my son" Gwen pleaded.

"Ah doll face I hate it when you look at me like that" John said pulling his gun out. "Baby now or both of you die"

Gwen pulled her gun out and held it up to John's crotch. "Piss off or never be able to have sex ever again" she shot back.

John sighed. "Fine how about this, I'll come back tomorrow and if you tell me my real name I'll let your baby stay here....however if you don't guess it within three guesses then not only does your baby vanish but you, me the bed are having a one to one session"

He vanished before Gwen pulled the trigger. Knowing she probably won't win John's little game; Gwen immediately called Jack and confessed all. Luckily Rhys was out of town for then night so Jack could stand guard over the baby in case John sneaks in.

"I should have known" Jack said running his hand through his hair. "There was nothing strange about you apart from higher psychic frequencies. John's vortex manipulator always manipulated metal and elements"

"So you can help me? You know his real name?"

"Sure but you want to lure him in a false security that he's winning so I'll hide in the bedroom for the first two guesses"

The next day Jack sat in the bedroom while Gwen anxiously waited in the living room with her son. John appeared with his usual cocky grin and Gwen glared.

"Spike" she said instantly.

"What the fuck?" John said surprised. "Why the hell would my real name be Spike?"

Gwen shrugged. "You just remind me of this blonde vampire on a TV programme"

"Great, wonderful darling anything else or can I have the cutie in your arms now?"

Gwen narrowed her eyes. "Melvin" she guessed.

"What sick world do you live in? Who the hell calls their child Melvin?"

"Well why else would you want to hide your name? I would if I was called Melvin"

"Ah so true darling but no it's not my name"

Just then Jack came in. "hello Rumplestiltskin" Jack drawled.

"Oh fuck" John said a hint of fear in his eyes. "Jack sweetheart, you're here it's been awhile and haven't I told you not to call me by my real name? You know it's a mouthful to scream during our passionate moments"

"Rumplestiltskin?" Gwen repeated she burst into hysterical laughter and fell of the sofa still laughing. "You're joking right?"

"No" John snapped. "While you're world is sick mine is downright psychotic to call a child Rumplestiltskin"

"Well I know your name, so bye, bye go away and never come back" Gwen said cuddling her baby tightly.

"Oh darling I'll always come back" John said vanishing.

Just then Rhys walked in. "What the hell is going on?" he demanded.

"Right you!" Gwen snapped. "You started this so you can sleep on the sofa until our boy here is eighteen"


	5. Sleeping Beauty

**Summery: it's Friday night and the team just want to go home. Out of frustration Gwen grabs the spindle and collapses. The team need to find her Prince Charming and quickly...only not in front of Jack who doesn't know about her relationship with Ianto. Set in my The Secret Engagement fic, between Kiss, Kiss Bang, Bang and Meat. **

**Pairings: Gwen/Ianto, implied Jack/Gwen, Jack/Ianto and Gwen/Rhys**

"Ok so what ever we do don't touch it" Jack said quietly to his team.

As they surrounded it in a dark room, it's green glow and their torches being the only source of light in the room. They were in an abandoned house in one of the rougher areas of Cardiff, the floorboards were rotting and creaking, the walls were filled with damp and peeling wallpaper and it was Friday night.

The team just wanted to go home.

Gwen rolled her eyes. "For god sake Jack it's just a spindle" she hissed furiously waving a hand at the spinning wheel. "All it's going to do is prick my finger!"

"It came through the rift, for all we know it could turn into the biggest, ugliest slimiest alien we've ever seen and eat us all" Jack said firmly.

"I would take you more seriously if it wasn't for the fact you used the worst cliché ever" Ianto said in a deadpan voice.

The others sniggered and Jack pouted. "I get no love from any of you" he complained causing the sniggers to stop instantly.

The four friends shared nervous looks. They were still slightly shocked that Jack had finally come home after being missing for almost a year. Gone without a single trace, no tracks to follow, no ransom note to analyse. Just gone. So of course they moved on, of course Gwen and Ianto found new love...

...in each other.

But Gwen being Gwen, feeling so guilty when Jack practically confessed and then found her engagement ring blurted out it was from Rhys. And with Ianto willing to do anything for Gwen (sucker, Owen thought, the pair of them are idiots) the whole team ended up lying to Jack...all the time...it made it difficult to reconcile with him completely.

"That's because you're not our type" Owen said quickly covering up their silent exchange. "Now lets just get rid of this thing and quick, I want to hit the clubs tonight"

"We have to consider our options"

"Oh fuck the options" Gwen snarled snatching the spindle of the spinning wheel. "See nothing hap....en..."

Gwen's eyes fluttered shut as she fell back onto the floor, her hand letting the spindle go revealing a small cut.

"See" Jack said waving a hand at her. "This is why we should be more cautious"

Owen went to Gwen's side and checked her pulse. "She's alive and from her breathing pattern I think it's safe to say she's just sleeping" he sighed. "Jeeze this idiot is going to give me gray hairs"

"I think I already have some" Ianto muttered darkly as he picked Gwen up from the floor and carried her out of the room. "Let's go back and work out what happened"

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

Gwen laid there on the too clean, too white pillow her hair spread out flawlessly. If Ianto didn't know better he would think Owen prepared her for a film or something....actually on second thoughts Owen would if he didn't value his anatomy more than anything else. Her skin didn't look unnaturally pale and her lipstick hadn't smudge at all. She really did look like she was sleeping. She also looked beautiful.

Sleeping Beauty.

The thought made Ianto cringed and blush. Cringed at the pathetic and clichéd thought, blushing at how...._exciting_...he found it.

"Sleeping Beauty" Owen started causing Ianto to jump.

"I don't think it's attractive at all. It seems almost like a fetish to call a lover that, like you're thinking sexual thoughts over a childhood memory" Ianto said calmly in a slightly harsher than normal tone to remind Owen to back off.

Everyone blinked.

"Erm ok" Tosh mumbled.

"Right" Owen said raising an eyebrow.

Jack grinned. "I think someone protests a little too much" he said flirtatiously as he wrapped an arm. "How about a game of Jack and the Beanstalk?"

Ianto pushed his arm off. "No, the mental images are enough to make me ill"

"You and me both" Owen muttered. "Now as I was saying, basically it's a case of Sleeping Beauty, the spindle was lined with some sort of sedation, alien most likely since I don't recognise it"

"So she needs kissing to wake up?" Jack asked grinning.

Ianto and Owen groaned while Tosh smacked her palm to her forehead. "Maybe but I don't think she's a morning person and having your slimy paws on her would only mean I'll be cleaning your blood for weeks" Owen said. "And I rather not be the dead body either, so Ianto should do it"

"What?!" both Ianto and Tosh squeaked.

It was common knowledge that Owen hated this lying but his pressuring wasn't helping the situation either.

"Why not call Rhys?" Jack asked.

"Err..."

"I'll get right onto that" Ianto said smoothly gliding out the room with confidence.

In reality he was sick to the stomach with fear and anxiety.

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

"Psst Tea-Boy"

Ianto looked up from his cleaning and raised an eyebrow at Owen. "You did not just Psst me" he said quietly.

Owen rolled his eyes. "Tosh has Jack on a wild goose chase – or should I say wild weevil chase?" Ianto suppressed the urge to smack Owen. "Anyway point is you can smooch your girl but please stop lying soon. Do you know how simple it would have been if Jack knew the truth? I could be out half-pissed by now"

"No you wouldn't you still have to find out which sedatives are in the spindle" Ianto pointed out.

Owen groaned. "Don't remind me"

Ianto said nothing as he calmly walked out of the kitchen and towards the med-bay where Gwen was still sleeping peacefully. He smiled as he tucked a strand of dark hair behind her ear, sliding his hand to her neck, lifting her head up slightly as he pressed his lips against her lipsticked red ones. She inhaled sharply allowing him to deepen the kiss, her hands snatched at his suit jacket as she returned the kiss passionately.

"Yeah still here guys" Owen said loudly causing the pair to pull away. "Welcome to the world of the living Freckles"

"Twat" Gwen snapped as she climbed out of bed.

"Whatever just wait till you're home before you jump Ianto's bones" Owen shrugged.

The three of them made it to the workstations just as Jack and Tosh arrived. Jack rather grumpy with the fact the weevil sighting had been a false alarm and Tosh relieved to see Gwen awake.

"Oh is Rhys here then?" Jack asked taking his coat.

"No, we retconned him and dumped him in Gwen's car. She was just leaving" Ianto lied smoothly. "I'm driving her back because she's still feeling woozy"

"Ok then" Jack said gripping Gwen's shoulder tightly. "Just call us if you feel worse yeah?"

"Of course" Gwen said shrugging her jacket on.

"Oh and Ianto?"

Ianto turned. "Yes sir?"

"Is it me or are you wearing Gwen's lipstick?"


	6. Snow White and the Seven Daleks

**Summery: Gwen has bitten a poison apple and the Seven Sins of Dalek Kind have the cure. **

**Pairings: Jack/Gwen/Ianto threesome, Tosh/Owen implied. **

Owen was a dead man.

Once Jack and Ianto have come back from their negotiations with the Seven Daleks that came through the rift last week, they will see what blunder he made and its effect and will brutally kill him and string him up for Mwyfanny's dinner. He didn't mean it to happen, a bunch of apples that came through the rift yesterday was supposed to be tested and he just left them on Gwen's desk. How was he supposed to know they were poisoned apples? And that Gwen was craving apples this week.

Gwen's pregnancy was the bane of Torchwood's existence. No one knows who the father is (certainly not Rhys) and Jack and Ianto were being far too overprotective while Gwen was far too hormonal. Of course Owen was the one that got all the abuse from everyone while Tosh managed to hide herself in the achieves. He had to admit it was very peaceful since Gwen collapsed due to the poison apple.

She looked very Snow White-ish, her dark hair sprawled out on the pillow, her lips painted red this morning and strangely enough she was wearing a white shirt that suspiciously looks like Ianto's to hide her five month pregnancy bump. He hooked her up to monitors, which spoiled the effect and nervously waited for Jack and Ianto to come back. He only wished that he gave Tosh one last snog before he died.

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

"I have to admit, I find it very suspicious that you want to negotiate, usually Daleks just like to kill" Jack said glaring at the Seven Daleks that stood in a line together, his hand on his gun. "Are you really Daleks at all?"

"We are, the Seven Sins of Dalek Kind" one said in his robotic voice. "I am Doc"

"I am Happy" one chirped.

"I am Grumpy"

"I am Bashful"

"I am Sleepy"

"I am Sneezy"

"I am Dopey" the one that wouldn't stop spinning around said.

"Riiiight" Jack said exchanging a glance with Ianto who had raised his eyebrow sceptically. "I thought Daleks didn't have emotions"

"Which is why we are the sins, we are unnatural and therefore we were banished into the space between universes for all eternity. However a battle between our kind and another had knocked us through you to your world" Doc explained. "All we would like is our poisoned apples back to guard in case a fair maiden accidentally bites one and in exchange we'll give you information on who is a genetic match to Miss Gwen Cooper"

"What about where you live?" Jack demanded to know.

"And your killing instinct?" Ianto added.

"We are quite happy in this warehouse" Happy chirped. "And we have no killing instinct which was why we were considered abominations amongst our kind"

"Bunch of bores" Grumpy grumbled.

"Tweep, tweep, tweep, tweep, tweep" Dopey went obliviously as he continued to spin around. "Tweep, tweep, tweep, tweep, tweep"

Jack and Ianto exchanged looks once more and both sighed. "All right, it's a deal once we find the poison apples we'll bring them to you. You may remain here as long as no one ever discovers your existence but just in case someone accidentally eats one of these apples....how do you cure them?" Ianto said calmly.

"A kiss from your genetic match" Bashful giggled.

Jack bit his lip to stop a laugh. "Thank you, so the genetic match to Gwen...?"

"Scanning, scanning atchoo! Scanning, scanning, atchoo!" Sneezy said releasing electronic sneezes as he scanned both Jack and Ianto with a blue ray. "Both of you are genetically compatible with Gwen Cooper, atchoo!"

"Thank you that will be all" Ianto said nodding before leaving the warehouse while dragging Jack by the collar. "This must be the weirdest day of my life, to date"

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

When Jack and Ianto finally got home, Owen blurted out what happened and ran before Jack or Ianto could say anything. Both sighed heavily as they made the mental note to kill Owen later on after they cure Gwen and brought her and their baby back to the living.

"I'll go and take these apples back to the Daleks" Ianto said picking up the wicker basket. "will you cure Gwen and then get her a proper apple and perhaps a warm milk....and then tuck her into bed and make sure she doesn't get up in case there were side effects als-"

Jack pressed a finger against Ianto's lips. "Hush, you worry too much" he pressed his lips on Ianto's for a quick chaste kiss. "I'll take care of Gwen, you take care of apples and weirdo Daleks"

Ianto began to walk towards the cog door before he turned round. "Are you sure you don't want to swap?"

"Yes, another minute in that room with those whackos and I'll kill everyone in Cardiff. Now go! Before I spank you" Jack added playfully.

Ianto blushed as he rushed out of the Hub. Jack chuckled as he walked into the Med-Bay, he got quieter when he saw Gwen and slowly walked up to her. He sighed. "Oh Gwen, when are going to learn to not get into trouble?" he asked quietly as he brushed a strand of hair of her face.

He then bent down and kissed her deeply. Her eyes shot open and she inhaled sharply allowing him to slip her some tongue as she began to kiss back. Moments later they were apart breathing heavily as Jack lay on the bed next to her, resting his head against her breast.

"What a way to wake up" Gwen grinned stroking his hair. "What's up with you? You're being a bit clingy gorgeous"

"Just...just don't eat food unless it's given to you by me or Ianto"

Gwen blinked. "All right" she said.

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

It was late at night, Tosh and Owen had gone home (Owen whimpering and hiding behind Tosh from Ianto's and Jack's glares), Gwen had fallen asleep between them and they were now leaning up on their elbows gazing down on her.

"Another fright" Ianto muttered bitterly. "We ought to lock her up until the baby is born"

"As if she'd let us. We'd have our hand chewed off when we come in to feed her" Jack said smiling. "Four more months, Yan, just four more, I'm sure we can survive"

"We can, Tosh can, Owen can't. Either us or Gwen will kill him"

Jack laughed and rolled over so he was looking up at the ceiling. "On the bright side of today, at least we know that no matter who the father is, we're both genetically compatible so the baby will be gorgeous and healthy"

Ianto chuckled. "Just all we wanted really"


	7. Goldilocks and the Three Bears

**Summery: on a wild night out by himself, Jack gets into trouble while stealing porridge, breaking chairs and sleeping in beds he shouldn't. Oh and did I mention Jack had dyed his hair blonde to fit the tale? A birthday present to Annie, enjoy. **

**Pairings: hinted father/daughter rels between Jack and Tosh. Implied Doctor/Rose, one-sided Jack/Doctor, Jack/everyone, Jack/mystery wife.**

It was a wild night.

The anniversary of when he officially became immortal. Which usually involved getting incredibly drunk, doing something stupid and dying a couple times which leads to getting drunk again since dying only sobers him up. So Jack went out there intent on getting drunk, he flirted with a few gorgeous people, had wild sex in bathrooms and alleyways, before he staggered into a 24hr chemist and brought some bleach.

**Stupid thing number one**: he had dyed his hair blonde.

Why not? The Doctor Loves blondes look at Rose, his sweet precious Rose who was blonde and innocent. Jack felt like crying as he remembered Rose's cheeky smile, her sweet and cheap perfume and bright red hoodie vividly. He can almost hear her laughter as she ran from danger hand in hand with the Doctor while looking back to see if Jack was safe. The Doctor never left Rose, never dumped her anywhere and he found some evidence that some of the Doctor's other companions were blonde as well. So let's be blonde so the Doctor would love him enough to come back.

After wandering around, Jack began to get hungry, his stomach rumbled furiously and he had a sudden craving for porridge just the way his beautiful yet very dead wife used to make it.

**This lead to stupid thing number two: **breaking into Ianto's house and stealing his porridge.

It was a well known fact that his brand new employee was so organised he made his breakfast the night before so he only had to reheat it in the morning while shaving and getting dressed for work. Jack had demanded to have all keys to his employees' homes in case of an emergency or as Owen says so he can rape them in their sleep (he wouldn't, he has no need of such crude tactics and adores them all too much to even think of such disgusting things). So giggling Jack snuck into the spotless, very white and bare flat and crept into the kitchen, grabbing the bowl of cling filmed porridge and running out laughing manically back to the Hub to heat it up.

Ianto woke up with a start. Rubbing his eyes and yawning he checked the time to find it was only 02:32 on his digital clock. Irritated that he had been woken up so early after going to bed so late and worried that the bang he heard was a burglar, Ianto snatched up his hardback book and crept around his flat. To his relief he found nothing missing but when he got into the kitchen he was horrified to find his bowl of porridge missing, either he forgot to make it (Impossible!) or someone stupid like Owen stolen it as a practical joke (most likely)....

After eating Jack felt more playful and wanted to have fun.

**Stupid thing number three: **break Owen's chair.

Jack leapt on the spinning computer chair as he played loud jazz music and began to spin round and round repeatedly, pushing his full weight into the seat. Suddenly the chair snapped in half and sent a dizzy Jack flying in to the desk. Crawling out of the wreckage that was once Owen's sloppily piled paperwork, Jack threw up.

Tired and sore all over, Jack remembered the most beautiful bed back in the 51st century. It was in a sex hotel, it was large, soft and the bed sheets were pure silk from gigantic worms in a neighbouring planet. If his memory served him right, Tosh has a similar bed to that. He knew this because he stayed there once after a horrifying mission that made Tosh scared to be alone. He also remembered how she snuggled up against him like a daughter would to a father and how comforting it was. He could use that company now, someone to love him without any strings attached without ruining anything that was there before.

**Stupid thing number four: **break into Tosh's flat.

He was quiet and sneaky, like a cat burglar, kicking off his shoes and throwing of his coat, he slipped off his already half buttoned shirt and climbed into Tosh's bed, wrapping an arm round her small and very warm form.

Tosh being a light sleeper woke up instantly. She had spent the night working on a translation project and was completely sober so the idea of a man in her bed was unthinkable unless a rapist has snuck in. Quick as lightening she snatched her hidden gun, rolled round and shot him in the head.

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

Jack groaned as his eyes fluttered open to meet harsh bright lights and four brown blurs. The blurs cleared up after a couple blinks to form four very angry co-workers, Ianto neatly dressed in his suit, Tosh wrapped up in her silk dressing gown, Owen in the clothes he wore yesterday and Suzie half dressed with her brown curly hair everywhere.

"You" Ianto said coldly. "Broke into my flat and stole my porridge. My special porridge with the Jones' family secret ingredient, the breakfast that would keep me full for most of the day so I don't faint of malnutrition while chasing weevils. You then, vomited this precious porridge all over some recent paperwork that Owen will have to re-do, which means we all have to suffer Owen's complaining-"

"Hey!" Owen yelled.

"You then broke Owen's chair" Suzie said ignoring Owen. "Meaning we have to buy another one instead of using the budget on something useful like bullets. Also we have to put up with Owen's complaining for about a month on how he hates the new chair, it's not like the old one, not as comfortable, not as spinnable and doesn't have Owen rocks 2004 on"

"Hey!"

"And then you scared the living daylights out of me!" Tosh sniffled. "You only had to ask! I thought you were some rapist or something"

Jack felt heartbroken at seeing a crying Tosh.

"So what have you got to say for yourself, Goldilocks?" Owen asked wanting in on the lecture.


	8. Cinderella

**Summary: There's a party and of course Ianto, the Torchwood slave cannot go. But the fairy godmother, or the Torchwood softie, Gwen won't allow that. Ianto will get Prince Charming...or just plain perverted Captain Jack Harkness....**

**Pairings: Janto, slight Gwen/Ianto, Gwen/Jack, hinted Tosh/Owen, Gwen/Rhys **

Ianto to do this. Ianto do that. Ianto make me coffee, Ianto pick this up, Ianto call for pizza, Ianto clean this, Ianto cook that, Ianto mend my clothes, Ianto, Ianto, Ianto, Ianto....

It was enough to drive him mad.

In his old job at Torchwood One he was never abused like this, then again in Torchwood One he was merely a drone to do paperwork and make the odd coffee. In Torchwood Two he maybe a slave to the other's whims but at least they knew his name. Also at least Gwen and Tosh treated him like a human even if it was an invisible unknown one half the times. Jack however, Ianto was prepared to file a sexual harassment complaint he was giving Ianto so much attention. Owen was the complete opposite, in Owen's eyes Ianto was nothing but a slave that didn't deserve squat. Ianto was the Cinderella to Owen's Wicked Stepmother.

And to prove this, Jack's masquerade birthday party to celebrate his....what was it, 200th? Well anyway, Jack was having a party that needed costumes merely because Jack was inviting some alien friends down for the day and can't supply human disguises for them all.

"So you're all definitely coming, right?" Jack asked excitedly.

"Oh definitely, I'm bringing Rhys as well. We're going as Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn"

"Well he's certainly got the fat for the part" Owen said snidely.

"Shut up Owen" Jack and Gwen said distractedly. "So, Anne Boleyn a king's mistress, not what I would have thought you'd dress up as" Jack added.

"Yeah, well I wanted to go as Batman and Robin but all that polyester didn't suit Rhys"

"That man would not look good at all" Ianto agreed as he passed them their coffees.

"Thank you Yan" Gwen said gratefully. "So what are you going as Tosh?"

"A geisha" Tosh said shyly accepting her coffee from Ianto with a quiet thank you.

"Geisha? Isn't that a Jap prostitute that also supplies a lap dance?" Owen said. "Bit bold for you"

"Actually a Geisha is an entertainer for men mostly. She serves tea or sake, dances artfully, places instrument and is far more worthy than a mere concubine. Most Geishas die as a virgin since they were not allowed to sleep with their clients, although it had been known for Geisha houses to sell their girls virginity after they graduate from being 'mikos' I believe the term is. I cannot remember I only watched Memoirs of a Geisha" Ianto said.

"Quite close" Tosh said hastily after a long moment of silence where everyone stared at Ianto, Gwen and Jack in awe while Owen looked infuriated about looking stupid.

"So what are you going as, gorgeous?" Jack asked flirtatiously as ever.

"Oh Ianto's not going" Owen said before Ianto could speak. "He needs to stay and finish off cleaning the Hub properly; he's in the middle of his spring cleaning"

"Oh" Jack said visibly deflating and probably not just in his pants. "That's a shame...i really wanted you to come"

"So did I" Ianto said bitterly leaving the room with Owen's coffee.

"Oi! Give me my damn coffee, you bitchy Tea-Boy!"

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

Ianto was cleaning up the Hub in a bitter silence when Gwen entered from the cog door. He dropped what he was holding in surprise, he had not expected anyone till early morning since everyone would be getting drunk celebrating Jack's birthday. He couldn't help but be speechless, Gwen looked very beautiful and it had been far too long since he was with a woman. Her black hair was pushed back from a face by a green hood with fake pearl seeds sewn on, she wore a matching pea green velvet dress and a pearl necklace with a gold B on. Anne Boleyn had entered the building, with this being Torchwood Ianto would not be surprised if the real Anne Boleyn walked in one day.

"You look stunning!" Ianto choked out causing Gwen to blush lightly.

"Thank you" she said holding out a large white box to him, Ianto took it frowning, it didn't smell like food and he can't figure out why Gwen would give him a present with it being ten months till Christmas. "Well go and get changed"

"Huh?"

"Oh come on Yan! I know you want to go to Jack's party!" Gwen said exasperated. "You were so hurt when Owen said you couldn't come. I assume you don't have a costume and brought you one after work. You, Ianto Jones will go to the ball tonight"

Ianto gave her a dry smile. "I suppose I shall Fairy Godmother" he said just as dryly as his smile.

"Get your Prince Charming, Cinderella" Gwen said sincerely causing Ianto to choke.

After she patted on his back for a while, he managed a strangled, "Huh?" causing her to giggle slightly.

"I know you fancy Jack just as much as Jack fancies you" she said. "So go and get him, tiger"

"But....but I thought you fancied Jack!" Ianto said.

"I do" Gwen said cheerfully. "But I have Rhys, Owen will have Tosh once he gets his head out of his arse and you need someone as well"

"Yeah, but Jack?"

"You want him. Go get him. Charm him with your wit and good looks"

"And if I don't?"

"Owen won't be the only one who needs to get his head out of his arse" Gwen muttered darkly.

"Ah...I'll go and get changed"

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

"Zorro? You made me go as Zorro?" Ianto hissed into Gwen's ear as they entered the hall Jack had hired. Aliens and humans were mingling without realising it, quite clever really though a bit stupid since someone was bound to end up needing retcon before the night was over.

"I'll repeat it again" Gwen sighed, they had had this discussion the whole time since Ianto left the staff changing rooms. "Zorro is hot, mysterious, clever, adventurous and sexy. Just like you, so shut up and go find Jack!"

Ianto blushed heavily. "You think I'm sexy?" he asked.

But Gwen was already gone, flirting with Rhys who was eating a chicken drumstick at the buffet table in a true Henry VIII.

"I think you're sexy" a familiar American drawl came from behind him. Ianto turned to see Jack in his usual 1940s garb grinning in a boyish manner. "Incredibly so, care to spare me a dance?"

"Sure, I haven't got anything else to do" Ianto said taking Jack's hand and allowing himself to be led to the dance floor where he can see Tosh dancing with what seems to be an Ood that Jack was tight with. Owen was sulking in a corner glaring at another woman who apparently came with her husband.

The night went on and Ianto had fun. Not only did he and Jack dance a good part of the time but so did he and Gwen, and some cute aliens and humans came and danced with him as well. Ianto enjoyed eating food that he had no help in preparing and helped Gwen throw quite a few crisps at Owen who kept yelling rude things. However the night was coming to an end, and Gwen who promised to give him a lift home was about to leave.

"I got to go" Ianto said regretfully to Jack.

"Don't leave, I want to know the man behind the mask" Jack purred, his fingers inching up Ianto's face to the ties of his mask, Ianto took a step back.

"I rather not"

Jack pulled him back, close to him. "I want to know you" he said. "You're hot, sound hot and you're interesting. I want to drag you into the loos and shag you right here and now"

Ianto gulped and daringly said. "Would you settle for a kiss?"

Jack obviously agreed since he had given Ianto the best snog of his life before Gwen interrupted taking Ianto with her. Unfortunately due to the heated...goodbye kiss, the mask had gotten slightly untied and fell as Ianto ran for the door, blushing heavily.

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

Tosh and Gwen accepted their hangover cures with a grateful smile. Afterwards Gwen had pulled Ianto in for a whispered conversation and congratulated him on kissing Jack, encouraging him to tell Jack that he was Zorro. Ianto flat out refused and stormed off, ignoring Owen's whines of Ianto being out to get him since Owen had not only not received a hangover cure but a coffee, snacks and lunch. The day had been relatively quiet as the others were arranging the transport for the aliens to leave Earth, sending the signals to the right spaceship and so on. Jack had been in and out to see his guests off.

It was late at night and everyone said their goodbyes as Ianto continued to clean the mess left by Owen. Jack snuck up behind him and slid the Zorro mask on his face.

"A perfect fit Cinderella" Jack murmured sexily into Ianto's ear causing Ianto to swallow loudly. "I was hoping it was you, I had to corner Gwen into admitting she brought you the costume, I saw her image on the security tape of the local costume shop" he was going to kill Gwen the next day for snitching on him and for being stupid enough to go local. But then again Jack did say he was hoping it was Ianto.... "Why not quit the cleaning for now Cinderella and get down to the dirty with me..."

Well if you put it that way....


	9. Alice in Wonderland

**Summery: Alice follows a certain white rabbit and ends up with an insane world where her Dad is dressed in drag! I was inspired by Alice, a remake of Alice in Wonderland...and well I was probably not completely in my right mind while writing this. **

**Pairings: Alice/John, Ianto/John, Janto, John/Jack, Owen/Tosh, Jack/Gwen **

Alice was enjoying a cup of coffee near the docks on her day off when it happened. Just from the corner of her eye she saw a small Japanese woman running down the street. While it seemed like a normal thing, this woman was nothing but normal, not because she was dressed oddly after all she was wearing plain black trousers and brown leather jacket. She was odd because she had bunny ears and bunny tail and was screaming 'I'm late, I'm late, oh I'm very late' on the top of her voice.

Curiosity got the better of her. After all she was her father's daughter and he always had adventures. As a young child she always wanted to have her own adventures but her painful fact she wasn't immortal had always held her back. But there was no harm in following a woman with rabbit ears, right?

Running after her Alice felt a jolt of adrenalin as they slipped through a weave of alleyways and swerved round sharp corners before going in an all out run across the Pass and heading, face first into the water tower when suddenly the rabbit woman vanished and Alice fell head first down a deep hole.

She screamed.

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

When Alice woke up she found herself on a grassy slab filled with daisies that she had crushed with her body weight. Groaning she sat up to find a giant green leaf rotating above her.

"What on Earth...?" she murmured to herself as she rubbed her forehead.

"Greetings Earthling!" a booming voice said from up above. "I am the great Doctor Owen Harper! I can cure all! Even the dead! Are you the pizza girl? I ordered a pizza recently under Torchwood"

"No I'm not a pizza girl" Alice said frowning. "And who's stupid enough to order pizza under Torchwood? Aren't you supposed to be a secret government?"

"No we're beyond the police and outside the government, just ask the Queen" Owen said sounding rather bored now. "And sorry for being stupid but I am the nation's twat just ask the Queen she did give me that title"

"But you're a doctor, aren't you supposed to be intelligent and not make such mistakes?"

Owen yawned loudly. "It's the meds; I'm telling you it's screwed me up. You know I had this vivid fantasy once that I was shot to death brought back by the Queen and was possessed by the Death, himself. I became royalty in my own right, as King of the Weevils though I refuse to shag the Queen so now I've been cursed to this life on this leave" the leave lowered down to reveal a deathly pale man with light brown hair and soulless dark eyes, he held onto what looked like a fag but smelt like something completely different. "Magic Mushrooms make the best medicine, don't you agree?" he drawled out. Blue smoke blowing into Alice's face.

She coughed and stepped away from him. "No! That's disgusting, what are you a drug addict?"

"You have to be to get past all the horror in this land" Owen said sleepily as he took another drag of his drug. "The Queen has taken to beheading all those that have displeased her and the clean up jobs are too gruesome for words"

"Look, I'm looking for a rabbit woman. She was Japanese with white fluffy ears and tail, she came around her and-"

"Tosh!" he said suddenly sitting up and for the first time Alice met him his eyes were alive and bright. "Toshiko Sato, yeah she ran past here a moment ago, she's such a suck up to the Queen with all her books and technology and languages and all that rot. Jeeze, she's such a swot. Oh that rhymed, I'm becoming Shakespeare now"

"You love her don't you?" Alice said realising that this was the most happiest she seen the drug addict in the short time she met him and got the impression it's the only time he's happy.

"None of your business you bloody bint. If you want to see Tosh you have to turn right, take the left at the third bin and go past the Mad Hatter's house but I warn ya, he's drugs are far more powerful stuff than mine, I mean they're radical and the fantasies....best boner I ever had"

"Right" Alice said walking backwards even faster now. "Well thanks...see you around I guess"

"Whatever" Owen muttered going back to his fag.

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

There was a little brown house with straw roof and bright flowers surrounding it. On the front garden was a fancy white plastic table with three chairs surrounding them, the table was filled to the brim with posh cakes and expensive china tea set with gold gilt edge. Alice couldn't help but stop and stare, her stomach rumbled slightly and she looked down at her watch to find it was well past noon, she missed lunch and was now starving.

"Hello gorgeous" a flirty drawl something very different and more arousing than Owen's drugged up one. "Fancy meeting something so pretty out in these neck of the woods, then again I do live here"

She turned to see what was probably the most handsome man she had ever seen in her life. He had tanned skin, soulful eyes and brown curly hair; he was the complete opposite of the creepy druggie she met before. He was dressed in green velvet trouser and matching suit jacket that had actual tails underneath he was wearing a lighter green silk waistcoat and white shirt with dark green tie. He looked like something out of the fairytale book and even had a top hat to go with it.

"Captain John Hatter, nice to meet you" he said taking her hand and pressing a gentle kiss on her knuckles.

"A-Alice" she stuttered. "I'm Alice"

"Well come along now Alice, let's have some tea and cake, you must be famished" John led her to the table and sat her down. He poured out some tea and added sugar and milk just the way she liked it before serving her, her favourite chocolate cake was placed on a plate before her. John then rested his head on a hand and looked at her intensely. "Now tell me pretty little Alice," he drawled as his other hand began to draw circles on her wrist, slowly sliding upwards, "do you like to be on top or under?"

She blushed brightly as she choked on the tea she had only sipped mere seconds before. He jumped up and patted her on the back. "S-sorry but I don't do random one nightstands" she said bluntly. "I have a son and need to have some standards myself so I could raise him to be a good man"

The patting hand turned into gentle massaging. "But it won't be random" John said huskily in her ear.

"Hatter!" a man roared causing the pair to jump. Alice turned to see a plain but adorable looking man dressed in a suit with brown rabbit ears marching towards them. "Unhand the Princess right now! The Queen has heard what you've been up to and is most disgusted with you. She demands your head on a platter, NOW!"

"Ah, it's pretty rabbit boy. Would you like some carrot coffee?" John asked pleasantly holding up another tea pot that appeared from thin air.

"I am not a rabbit!" the man fumed. "I am Ianto March, the Mad March Hare!"

"Yes I do know" John said looking rather bored. "We had been married for the past six months"

"You're married?!" Alice yelped jumping out of her seat and staggering away from John.

"Not by choice, the Queen forced it on us. She likes to matchmake all her ex-lovers and pretends they live happily ever after before going on to the next one. Who is it now? Some pretty little thing with big green eyes and skin that would make Snow White look healthy....was it Dean?"

"No Dean was centuries ago, he got wedded off to the twins remember?" Ianto said rolling his eyes. "The happy trio makes living at court almost unbearable. The new concubine is Gwen, she's lovely but the Queen gets so jealousy of her friendship that she stitched her mouth shut"

"Shame that was mouth made for blow jobs" John said shaking his head.

"You're awful! The lot of you! How dare this Queen treat you like this! Take me to her now; I demand to know what's going on and where that white rabbit woman went off to!"

Ianto blinked. "But you're highness, that's why I'm here rescuing you from my perverted husband. Your mother requests your presence"

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

Alice wanted to die of humiliation. She wanted the ground to open up and swallow her whole again or better yet some lightening to stuck and hit her embarrassing father!

Her father was a handsome man and admittedly she got some of her good looks from him. But to have her father grow his hair as long as hers, dress in large red and black gowns and put so much make up on that he looked like a clown in a dress....well it just made her wish she wasn't his daughter.

"Alice! My precious little girl, what on Earth were you thinking hanging around with dirt like him?" Jack shrieked. "Off with his head! Off with Captain Hatter's head for blemishing my little girl's innocence!"

Two hideous looking guards with squashed faces and beady black eyes lumbered across the room and dragged John out of the room who looked very calm despite being ordered to death. Before the door slammed shut he winked at Alice who blushed lightly.

"Mmm, Mmm, Mmm, Mmm" a reproachful voice said from beside Jack. Gwen Cooper, the latest mistress of the Queen sat there in a simple Egyptian style dress with her mouth stitched messily up.

"Gwen, it's a harsh punishment I know but he has to know that my daughter is not for sale" Jack said calmly picking up a bright red feathered fan and began to fan himself. "And Alice needs to learn that she can't go running about like some sort of common girl. Her Royal Highness Princess Alice Melissa Moretti Carter Harkness, I sentence you to death as punishment of your sins. Guards, seize her!"

The ugly guards from before lumbered back in, Alice darted across the room and picked up a flag pole using it to fend them off.

"Dad! I can't die, Dad! I got a son, remember? Stephen! I can't die and leave him alone!"

"Don't worry darling, you're immortal just like me. This will only be painful for a little while. I always did wonder what it's like to get reattached"

"No! Dad, please don't! I'm not immortal! I'm not immortal! Dad, listen to me please, I'm not-"

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

"I'm not immortal!" Alice shrieked sitting up.

She looked round wildly to see Jack make up-less and in his normal clothes looking concerned. Ianto March and Owen Harper exchanging bewildered looks, both looking very normal and un-drugged. Gwen looking worried though her mouth seemed to be sealed tight for some reason and a small Japanese woman in white bunny ears.

"Alice I am so sorry" the woman in white ears said. "I was late for work and used the invisible lift in hopes of losing you. I didn't know you were Jack's daughter and well, I didn't think you would fall in"

"Mmm, Mmm, Mmm, Mmm" Gwen said.

Jack rolled his eyes. "Yes all right, no need to tell me I told you so, I know you were right and I was wrong, happy now?"

"Mmm" Gwen glared and shook her head.

"She wants her mouth unzipped" Ianto said. "Have you worked out how to work that machine and reverse it's effects yet Tosh?"

"Not yet" the rabbit eared woman said. "Don't worry Gwen; it might be just a twenty four hour thing"

"I bet Rhys is thanking all gods though" Owen muttered.

"So it was all a dream?" Alice murmured as Jack hugged her tightly.

"Yes sweetheart, whatever you dreamt was just a dream. Oh I'm so glad you're ok, you gave me such a fright!"

"So then...why is Tosh wearing rabbit ears?"

Tosh blushed brightly and Owen grinned evilly. "She lost a bet and had to do a dare" Ianto explained calmly though from the looks being exchange between Owen and Tosh Alice thinks it was something entirely more sexual.

"Hey is the princess all right?" a drawl came from behind them.

Alice looked up to see the gorgeous sexy Hatter still alive; grinning like mad she jumped up, ran over to him and flung her arms round his neck. "Hatter!" she exclaimed. "I'm so glad to see you're alive!"

"Hatter? My name isn't Hat-"

She cut him off with a kiss....a very long, very nice kiss that she wouldn't mind doing again.

"Oi! Hands off my daughter!" Jack yelled.


	10. Wizard of Oz

**Summery: Alice has landed in another crackpot world where her father is out to kill her again, John is missing half a brain, Owen hasn't got a heart (what's new?), Tosh is dressed as a kinky lion, the Doctor and Donna are there and Ianto is in drag! Sort of inspired by Tin Man but mostly Wizard of Oz themes. Dedicated to Ellie who wanted another Captain John Hatter chapter and adores Hatter/Spike/John/Glitch from the many other fandoms. Oh and I was probably still not in my right mind while writing this. **

**Pairings: John/Alice, implied Jack/Gwen, Jack/Tosh, Owen/Tosh, Jack/Donna, 10Rose**

It was all her father's fault.

Jack was chasing John around the Hub with a gun shooting bullets out everywhere while screaming 'not my daughter, bitch'. Alice couldn't help wonder how many times Jack had read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. But back to the point Jack was chasing her new found boyfriend who was completely sexy and at some point he tripped over some of Tosh's wires, landed on a large switchboard and pushed all the wrong buttons and suddenly the whole Hub shook.

Owen swore, Tosh screamed, Gwen let out a muffled shout and Ianto stood there silently looking mournful has his cup of coffee spilt over the floor. Suddenly something fell from the ceiling and hit Alice over the head.

Knocking her out.

Again.

So yes, all her father's fault.

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

Alice groaned as she woke up, slowly she stretched out and got up, checking herself for broken bones. Apart from a banging headache she was fine. The Hub however wasn't, wires were everywhere and the furniture was broken and scattered.

"Hello?" Alice called stepping over someone's computer. "Dad? Hatter? Ianto? Anyone here? Gwen? White Rabbit? Druggie guy? Anyone, please just answer me"

There was no answer. Apart from the quiet buzzing of some electrics the Hubs was completely silent.

"Fine then, I'm going home!" Alice shouted marching to the open door and walking out of a....

...a blue box.

Turning round Alice found herself staring a blue police box. She rubbed her eyes and stepped back in to find herself back in the Hub.

"Oh you're kidding me" she muttered running out. "It's bigger in the inside!" Then suddenly, the phone rang. Nervously Alice opened up the side compartment and picked up the phone. "Hello?"

"Hello! This is the Doctor, if you can hear this then you must have messed with the rift again Jack Harkness and I am seriously, seriously disappointed with you. I will punish you severely for this – and you can stop whatever disgusting innuendo you're making, I have no interest in you my hearts are solely for one woman, and don't say Rose!

"It is Rose, you just won't admit it!" someone shouted on the other end.

"Everyone assumes it's Rose," the Doctor continued ignoring the other person, "but as much as I am.....anyway it's that I have dedicated myself to the TARDIS and will travel with her for the rest of my lives. The end. Back to the point if you can hear this then the rift has been ripped open (probably by you) and the TARDIS somehow merged with another being, very complex a sex addict like you won't grasp it. Anyway, I am in the rift with Donna and working on fixing it and I need you to stay. Where you. Are. You got that? You must stay where you are I don't want you creating some sort of hybrid species while I'm gone, I don't need another mess to fix. Allonsy!"

"He never trusted me or loved me enough to consider my feelings"

Alice whirled round to see her father dressed in his usual clothes with no sign of being a drag queen; thank goodness the nightmare from before still haunted her a bit. He looked rather angry and sad and disappointed all the same time.

"He seems a bit of a prat" Alice said airily in an attempt to cheer Jack up.

He smiled slightly. "He is" he agreed. "Now Alice, I'm afraid I have to kill you for killing my lover"

"What?!" Alice screeched. "I haven't done a damn thing, for god sake Dad why are you so eager to kill me? I'm your daughter! Is this because of Hatter? My god, you haven't killed him have you?"

"Nah" Jack said grinning. "I did something far worse. The little smarmy bastard will live for the rest of his days in a deserted barren wasteland. And you have done something young lady! You squashed Gwen with the TARDIS! What on Earth did she ever do to you?"

Alice whirled round to see a pair of black jeaned and white and black stripped socks appear under the TARDIS. "But it was your fault everything went weird!" she argued.

"And that gave you right to steal Gwen's ruby sneakers?"

"What?" Alice looked down to see her normal plain white trainers had been replaced by sparkling ruby ones. "Bit too glam, aren't they?"

"I brought them for her!" Jack roared. "Off with her head! Oh, wait wrong story....what does the Wicked Witch of the West say?"

A bright pink cloud of smoke exploded with a loud POOF! Choking on the poisonous colour Alice looked up to see Ianto Jones with his usual deadpan facial expression wearing a bright pink netted dress with sparkly tiara and lots of body glitter.

"I am Ianto, the Torchwood Fairy. Defender of all good people like Alice here who put poor Gwen out of her misery and out of the slimy hands of you Jack Harkness" Ianto recited in a monotone voice. "And if you dare make fun of me I'll castrate you, roast your balls and feed them to Janet for supper"

"Aren't you supposed to be the good guy?" both Alice and Jack asked.

Ianto waved his magic wand and two cups of coffee appeared. "I am, please enjoy your cup of coffee" Jack and Alice accepted them with a murmured thank you; Alice had to admit it was the best coffee she ever had it even beat Costa! Her father however passed out within a few seconds of draining the cup. She looked up wide eyed with fright at Ianto who smirked. "Don't worry; I only slipped in animal sedatives in his cup. He's gone off his rocker at the moment so I suggest you go down the yellow brick road to Emerald City where the Wizard lives. He's the only one who can control Jack but I most warn you he's a bit insane as well, my friend Donna whose his PA says he's nothing but a big outer-space dumbo who's on a constant sugar angst, whatever that means. Good luck Alice"

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

Alice wandered alone on the yellow brick road wondering if it was because her father told her too many stories that she has such a wild imagination that likes to break copyrights. A distant humming broke her out of her thoughts she looked round wildly and to her delight she found Captain John Hatter sitting on a fence humming to himself.

"Hello gorgeous" he said flirtatiously with a wink.

"Hatter! I was so worried, Dad said he did something to you" Alice said running to him and flinging her arms round his neck.

"Whoa, sorry darling but who are you?" he asked leaning back so he could look at her face. "And whose this Hatter guy? Is he sexy? Speaking of sexy I love those eyes of yours so if you want you can call me Hatter though my name is Glitch"

"Yes he's very sexy because he's you" Alice said. "What happened to you Hatter?"

"Well the Wicked Bastard of Torchwood, Jack, you know sexy but a right righteous git? He took my brain, well not all of it but half of it so no more memories and every once in a while I begin to repeat myself" Hatter unzipped his forehead. "See?" Alice leaned up and peered in to see only half of a pinkish blob left inside she breathed slowly in an attempt to calm herself down but she felt anger bubbling in her stomach, she wanted to shoot her father so much. Hatter shuddered. "Oh baby do that again, your breath does wonders for my nerves" she giggled let out several short breaths out causing him to cling tightly to her. "What do you say to public sex?"

"Maybe not just yet, how about lots of snogging and groping for now?" Alice suggested looking up at him beneath her eyelashes.

"Sounds great, great, great, great, great, gre-"

She cut him off with a kiss and it would have gotten into a good make out session if it wasn't for the stone someone threw at her head. "Oi! No doing that in front of me, don't we have an appointment with the Wizard?"

Alice turned round to see the drugged up idiot who was called Dr Harper if she remembered correctly. "Why are you here?" she asked rudely, irritated that another kiss had been interrupted.

"Your father stole my libido so I want to go to the Wizard dude and complain. Also Donna is a mate of mine and I need to pay her back for the insult she gave me last time I saw her. And Ianto asked that I keep an eye out and said if I don't he's cutting off my coffee privileges, tight bastard"

"I thought the Tin Man was supposed to have his heart missing?" John wondered out loud.

"Yeah well according to Jack and Ianto and Gwen apparently I don't have a heart. Oh and good job on squashing her she was becoming too annoying for my liking" Owen said looking irritated. "Now are you we going or not?"

"W-w-w-wait for me" a quiet stutter said behind them, they turned to see Tosh standing there shyly wearing a bright orange dress with matching lion tail and ears, she even had furry gloves and boots shaped as paws with black stitching to make the claws. "I-I-I-Ianto said that I should come and m-m-m-make sure Owen doesn't do anything s-s-s-s-s-stupid" she stuttered out.

"Ianto never trusts me" Owen grumbled.

"A-a-a-a-after the r-r-r-r-rift inc-c-c-dent who can b-b-blame him?"

"Why are you stuttering?" Hatter asked frowning.

"I-I-I-Ianto made me lots of c-c-c-c-c-coffee" Tosh said blushing madly. "I-I-I-I-I-I'm on an s-s-s-s-s-sugar high"

Owen rolled his eyes. "Idiot" he said fondly as he took her hand. "Now I have to make sure you don't do something stupid like walk into Jack's nefarious sex-orientated plans like the last time"

"Ooh big words" John teased.

Owen glared. "Yes well funny enough I actually have a brain"

"Hey! Leave him alone at least he's gorgeous and a fantastic snogger" Alice snarled glaring at Owen.

"Come on; let's just go before Jack wakes up"

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

The Emerald City looked nothing like emeralds. In fact it was very far off from looking remotely like an Emerald City. The city looked a lot like London, grey, large buildings, lots of people in various colours and lots of different memorials only these ones were all dedicated to different people like a Mickey Smith, Martha Jones, Sarah Jane, Jackie Tyler and a huge beautiful marble one dedicated to Rose Tyler, the Bad Wolf. There was even a temple dedicated to the Bad Wolf. Everywhere Alice turned she saw roses, lots of different coloured ones though mostly pink, she wondered if the people here were a little obsessed with the flower.

Owen and Tosh led them to a large bright blue building where the inside was cool due to air conditioning and rather empty apart from a large wooden desk that a redheaded woman sat looking bored.

"Daphne, my favourite airhead" Owen said cheerfully.

"Owen my least favourite twat" she replied just as cheerfully. "What can I do for you?"

"Well Ginger Spice, we need to see the Doctor about Jack. Gwen got squashed by the TARDIS and the poor girl here is being targeted"

"Well Weevil Face, you know the Doc's insane and Jack will get over it once he has his whiskey so what's the point?" the redhead asked.

"Look I don't want the Doctor, I want the Wizard who can get rid off my homicidal father and send me back to my baby boy, oh and return Hatter's missing brain"

The redhead sighed. "Sweetie, no man has a brain it's an unfortunate fact of life, take a look at Zombie Breath over there. Also the Doctor is the Wizard, the Wizard is what the local people call him because I stupidly said 'well isn't that wizard?' when we first landed. Also Jack is a darling really he probably just got high again, the Doctor has gone permanently high as well it's something in the air. That's why we're filled with roses, he's so high that he thinks if he makes this town a memorial for Rose and the others they'll come back" she rolled her eyes. "Moron" she muttered. "So the best you can do is give Jack this whiskey," she pulled out a large bottle of alcohol from under her desk, "and tell him that Donna's room is on the third floor, fifth window from the right and she's waiting in green silk undies"

Alice numbly took the bottle feeling revolted that someone actually wants to sleep with her father. Owen snorted. "You have terrible taste Donna; don't you remember that he seduced poor Tosh out of her wits? That he tried it on me? And not to mention Gwen and Ianto and birdbrain over there"

Hatter had taken to humming to himself again and ignored Owen's jab at him. "You're just jealous that he shagged Tosh before you could" Donna said unnerved. "Besides Twat-Boy you've forgotten that I have shagged worse before. Now scat, I'm waiting for a phone call"

"Well thanks for nothing Annie" Owen spat out as they left the building, he snatched the whiskey bottle from Alice and ripped it open causing a strange champagne like affect as Alice got drenched in whiskey...

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

Alice woke up drenched with Owen looking smug and Ianto looking disapprovingly. "That was unnecessary Owen" he chided.

"It worked" Owen said uncaringly.

Alice shot up. "Where's Hatter?" she asked worriedly scanning the room for him only to find no one but her, Owen and Ianto.

"John Hart, you mean?" Owen said looking disgusted. "The bastard left after the earthquake and probably won't be back for another decade. Good riddance, you had another nasty hit and probably have a concussion so I advise you to-"

"ALICE!" the door was thrown open as Jack entered. "I was so worried about you, are you o-"

"Stay away from me!" Alice yelped jumping out of the bed. "All of you! You're all mad! I want nothing to do with you ever again!"

She then ran out of the Hub with Jack chasing after her.

"Alice come back to Daddy!" he can explain I promise, Alice don't leave me!" he wailed.

The Torchwood team all face palmed.


	11. Princess and the Frog

**Summery: Owen accidentally turned Jack into a frog and no one wants to cure him. **

**Pairings: implied Janto, one-sided Jack/Rhys, Jack/Gwen, lots of Jack/Tosh **

"Ianto hurry up and kiss him!"

Ianto staggered back in horror as Owen held up a slimy green frog with brown spots and shrivelled up lips that were filled with slime. Owen looked desperate, afraid and frustrated and kept shoving the disgusting little creature in Ianto's face.

"Stop! Stop! I hate frogs! How would you like it if I kept waving a spider in your face?" Ianto squealed hiding behind the desk.

Owen lowered the frog. "Oh sorry mate I didn't know you're were scared of frogs" he said apologetically. "But you must kiss this frog!"

"Why?!" Ianto wailed.

"Because it's Jack! I accidentally turned Jack into a frog somehow and you know what the fairy tale goes, only true love's kiss can break the spell!"

Ianto stood up. "First thing, you will never tell anyone about my fear of frogs or I'll spill about the Christmas 2004 incident, I have CCTV evidence of what you did to that Weevil!" Owen rolled his eyes but nodded. "Second, you obviously way behind the Torchwood gossip because I and Jack broke up three months ago and I have just started to see this nice young woman from the pizza place. Last thing, how sad are you to actually still be reading fairy tales?"

"Hey loads of people stay in touch with their inner child!" Owen shouted waving Jack around with one hand. "I bet you still watch Disney!"

"No that's Gwen" Ianto said ducking from the frog. "I was never a child. The most childish thing I ever did was pull my sister's hair when she was being too loud"

"Weirdo" Owen grumbled. "Fine then, I'll just ask Gwen to help"

"Ask Gwen to help with what?" Gwen asked from behind Owen. Owen whirled round to find Gwen looking tired and yawning slightly.

"Gwen, you've been in love with Jack for a while right?" Owen asked, but before she could answer he continued on. "I accidentally turned Jack into a frog and need you to kiss him before he croaks me to death or something just as vile!"

"I haven't been in love with Jack" Gwen said in an icy voice. "And if that's what he's been telling you then I'll need to find a way to kill him permanently. You could also tell him that Rhys doesn't appreciate the constant phone calls especially at midnight, neither of us want phone sex thank you very much. Now bugger off! I need my morning coffee"

Owen moaned. "What am I going to do?" he whined.

"Kiss him yourself if you're that desperate" Ianto said edging around Owen so he could get into the kitchen.

"Don't be ridiculous Ianto. I don't love Jack at all. In fact I spend nights just dreaming about killing him" Owen said sweetly, squeezing the frog tightly. Jack the frog let out a strangled croak that could be easily translated as 'help!' "Urgh! This is going to be impossible, who knows how many true loves Jack has had in the past century?"

Marching across the Hub, Owen mumbled darkly to himself, not concentrating on his whereabouts when he suddenly tripped over the stairs sending Jack flying towards the cog door.

"NO!"

The cog door opened in time as Tosh entered the Hub, sleepily just as Jack the frog's slimy lips touched hers.

_POOF!_

Jack was now snogging Tosh in the full buff. Owen sat there dumbly on the floor looking horrified as Jack's bum waved in front of him as Jack dipped Tosh in a cheesy romantic way. Once the need for air kicked in Jack stood up and held a blushing Tosh to his naked chest.

"Yes thank you for helping me you three" he said sarcastically. "Ianto is understandable and Gwen I promise the last ten times were just a joke and Owen that was just plain _mean-"_

"You turned into a frog! I tend to be nasty when I'm scared and worried!" Owen protested.

"So now you can all do paperwork while I'll take Tosh up to my office for celebratory shag"

Tosh, who had never really been experienced in seduction, fainted at the sheer bluntness of Jack's statement.

"Well someone's certainly going to be living happily ever after" Owen muttered.


	12. Pinocchio

**Summery: so Owen can't tell a lie....of course the whole team would take advantage of it!**

**Pairings: Owen/Tosh, slight Jack/Owen, Jack/Everyone else in the entire galaxy....**

"Rift readings say there's something here but I can't get a hold on it" Tosh said with a frown as she glanced down at her GPS.

"Maybe it's another false alarm?" Owen said hopefully, really wanting to be back in the Hub with a nice warm pizza in front of him. The warehouse they were in was freezing.

"Probably is" Jack said appearing out of no where with Ianto attached to his side. "We didn't find anything, let's hope that Gwen has more luck or this will be a total waste of time. Do you know what I could be doing right now if it wasn't for this alarm?"

"Hopefully doing your paperwork" Ianto said.

"Yan, I was thinking something a little more interesting – like a game of tongue wrestling!"

"Sexual harassment" Ianto said without even thinking.

"Guys! Hey guys! I found something!" Gwen said excitedly carrying a bucket. "The readings were coming from this stuff"

The others had a trouble of smothering their snickers. Gwen had only started a few weeks ago and she found everything brand new and exciting and constantly acted like a little puppy. It was rather endearing at times but other times it was just plain annoying. Especially to Owen. Not really looking where she was going, Gwen accidentally tripped over and spilled the contents of the bucket over Owen.

"Oh, Owen I'm so sorry" Gwen said dropping the bucket.

Owen stood there soaking wet looking furious. "Great, just great" he muttered darkly as Jack, Ianto and Tosh howled with laughter.

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

Later that day Owen was playing a mindless computer game in his new dry clothes while helping himself to some more pizza. Ianto entered without making a sound as always and placed a cup of coffee besides Owen.

"I hope that's work you're doing" Ianto said causing Owen to jump.

"Of course it's work, why wouldn't it be?" Owen said quickly closing the window to show a boring word document.

Ianto stared at Owen with a strange shocked look.

"What?" Owen growled.

Ianto kept staring his eyes widening.

"Oh Come on Yan, stop staring at me it's creeping me out!" Owen whined.

"Owen...you're nose has grown bigger"

"What?!"

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

"So let me get this straight" Jack said running a hand through his hair. "The stuff Gwen threw over Owen has given him some sort of Pinocchio problem where he can't tell a lie?"

"Yep" Ianto said with an evil smirk.

"Oh Owen I'm so sorry" Gwen blurted out.

"Oh this is going to be fun" Jack said rubbing his hands together gleefully.

"Oi! This ain't fair; my nose is already six inches long! Just find the cure and leave me be!" Owen wailed looking distraught behind his long nose.

"Owen....do you find me attractive?" Jack asked innocently.

"Don't be ridiculous" Owen scoffed.

His nose grew. "Yes!" Jack hissed pumping a fist in his hand. "Was it you that put a whoopee cushion on my seat that time?"

"No"

"Liar!"

"Owen, do you feel guilty for being mean to people all the time?" Gwen asked mischievously.

"Of course not"

Another few inches grew onto his nose. "Awww...you are a good guy deep down" Gwen cooed ruffling Owen's hair.

"Gerroff!" Owen growled pushing Gwen away.

"Owen, do you fantasize having sex with me?" Jack asked eagerly.

"Good God no!" Owen yelped horrified. Much to the team's disappointment, his nose didn't grow.

"Damn, I was hoping the whole team would want to have an orgy with me" Jack said mournfully.

"Jack that's disgusting" Gwen said scrunching her nose up.

"But it intrigued you for one moment" Jack said cheekily.

"Owen....are you in love with Tosh?" Ianto asked quietly.

"NO!"

His nose grew a whole foot causing him to stagger under the weight.

"Oh wow...." Gwen whispered as Tosh blushed brightly and Jack howled with laughter.

"Wouldn't mind just shagging that nose" Jack got out between sniggers.

"Sexual harassment" Ianto reminded him.

"Owen, do you care for the whole team? Like a family?" Jack asked eagerly.

"You all mean nothing to me" Owen said darkly. "I would be glad to see you all dead"

His nose grew another foot and Owen could no longer hold the weight up. After a few moments of staggering about he collapsed on his back and groaned. The others all jumped him and gave him a tight hug.

"We love you too Owen!" Jack said cheerfully.

"Bugger off"


	13. Beauty and the Beast

**Summery: Jack is babysitting and telling a fairy tale to the children – don't worry, there's no graphic scenes to corrupt the poor children. **

**Pairings: Tosh/Owen and slight Jack/Gwen **

_Once upon a time lived a horrid monstrous beast within the deepest vaults of a secret outside the government base that was underneath the city of Cardiff. This beast was a vicious, sarcastic, selfish man who haunted the autopsy room, ate pizza and played computer games instead of doing the paper work his dashing handsome Prince Charming boss had asked him too. _

"What the hell are you on about, Harkness?" Owen said disgustedly leaning against the bedroom door. "There is no way you could be Prince Charming. You're too much of a man-whore"

The children giggled and Jack looked mockingly horrified. "Owen don't use such foul language in front of such innocent children!"

"Whatever, just don't exaggerate anything like you usually do. I got to check in on Tosh" Owen said standing up straighter as he turned to leave, he glanced back with a suspicious glare. "And the horrid monstrous beast better be Janet"

Jack merely smiled innocently.

_Prince Charming had lost many knights before and although he did not always get along with the Beast, he admired the Beast for his determination and medical knowledge and therefore recruited him to work as a knight. But having only one would not help fight the demons of Cardiff. Prince Charming had found a Witch who was intelligent and cast powerful spells it was only later when it turned out she was a Wicked Witch and had to be slain before she killed Prince Charming's Warrior Princess. Before Prince Charming had found his Warrior Princess he had found two other knights to serve him, one was a Housekeeper who knew everything about Cardiff and another was a shy beauty who knew everything about everything. _

_Now Beauty was so shy that she could not bring herself to talk to her fellow knights when it wasn't discussing battles. She was also a bit of a workaholic and stayed very late, often falling asleep at her desk and having to be tucked up on the sofa by Prince Charming. Prince Charming had saved Beauty from a dark cell when she had unwillingly betrayed the country to save her mother. Because Prince Charming knew how vulnerable Beauty really was he had begun to care for her as a father would. _

_The Beast however ignored Beauty and the others as much as he could. He spent nights out getting drunk and waking up with other women, he had been heartbroken before, his betrothed had died and he refused to love again making his heart turn to stone. Beauty rarely dated but when she did it had often ended in disaster and strangely enough it was never Prince Charming who saved her but the Beast. _

_A memorable incident would be when Beauty went on a date with a pleasant man who turned out to be an evil magician who wanted to steal her kiss!_

"Oh no!" the little girl gasped clinging to her older brother. "Did the Beast save her?"

"Yes but it was a difficult battle and the Beast had gotten very hurt" Jack said gravely. "But Beauty had healed his injuries and impressed him with her knowledge of first aid. He found her a little more interesting and often dragged her into his autopsy room to discuss what he was doing in his studies in demonology-"

"What's demonology?" the boy asked.

"Study of evil creatures" Jack replied. "Anyway, the Beast had also taken to walking Beauty home in case of any more evil magicians. Unknown to Beauty the Beast had stopped seeing other women as well. The Housekeeper, the Warrior Princess and Prince Charming knew what was slowly happening but sadly Beauty and the Beast were too stupid to see it"

"Why? What was happening?" the little girl asked.

"Tale as old as time" Jack began to sing. "True as it can be. Barely even friends then somebody bends unexpectedly. Just a little change. Small to say the least Both a little scared Neither one prepared. Beauty and the Beast. Ever just the same. Ever a surprise. Ever as before. Ever just as sure. As the sun will rise. Tale as old as time. Tune as old as song. Bittersweet and strange. Finding you can change. Learning you were wrong. Certain as the sun, rising in the east. Tale as old as time. Song as old as rhyme. Beauty and the Bea-"

"Jack will you shut the fuck up?" Owen yelled. "Tosh is trying to get some sleep!"

"Well she won't get any if you keep shouting" Jack yelled back before turning back to the giggling children. "Now then, where was I? Ah yes...."

_Beauty and the Beast were falling in love more and more each day. Their happiness however was short-lived as a gang of evil monsters attacked Cardiff and the Beast got badly injured in the war against them. Beauty spent day and night at Beast's bedside as he never woke up from his never-ending sleep. The Warrior Princess had often visited and made sure Beauty had eaten and slept, she gave Beauty good advice to let the Beast go and start moving on. So Beauty said her goodbyes and told the Beast she loved him more than anyone else in the world before kissing him. _

"Ooh....that's so romantic!" the little girl squealed.

The boy rolled his eyes. "Girls" he muttered.

_The Beast woke up and magically turned into an all right guy instead the twat he is. With his fellow knights help he had managed to get better and fight once more. However his never-ending sleep had taught the Beast that he couldn't not love anymore and immediately proposed to Beauty. Prince Charming had personally done the ceremony and the two got married and lived happily ever after. The End. _

"Now then" Jack said clapping his hands loudly. "Time for bed"

"But Uncle Jack," the little girl whined pouting. "It's only eight! Tell us another story!"

Jack picked up the little girl and kissed her forehead. "Now, now Sakura. It's very late and your Mummy needs her rest. This pregnancy is taking a lot out of her"

"I hope I get two little sisters!" Sakura said. "Boys are smelly and mean. Especially Reo!"

"Well girls are whiney and stupid" Reo snapped back.

"Children, children bed now or I will never tell you how Prince Charming met the Warrior Princess" Jack said sternly.

"What about the Housekeeper?" Sakura asked. "Does she find someone?"

"No she's doomed to a lonely life playing with her coffee while wearing men's clothing" Jack said seriously.

"Better not let Ianto ever hear you say that. He'll cut you off of coffee for the rest of his life" Owen said from the doorway with an evil grin on his face. "Tosh is asleep. Thanks for looking after the kids today, I owe you"

"It's fine, I like taking care of my godchildren" Jack said tucking Sakura into bed and kissing her forehead while Owen moved to tuck in Reo who swatted Owen away. "How's Tosh?"

"Better. She's placed me in the doghouse for swearing in front of the children" Owen said scowling slightly. "Said I'll be on the couch till the twins are eighteen"

"Don't worry Owen, the eighteen years and two months will fly by before you realise" Jack said cheerfully.

"Whatever" Owen muttered kissing Sakura goodnight, they turned the light off and shut the door quietly before Owen turned to face Jack. "Hey Jack, do me a favour"

"Another one?"

"Yeah, stop telling crap stories about my love life to the kids"


	14. Rapunzel

**Summery: sort of sequel to the Beauty and the Beast chapter before. Reo's school play ends in disaster as Jack tries to destroy the Wicked Witch....**

**Pairings: implied Tosh/Owen, Jack/Gwen and OC/OC**

"And so" a small boy with ginger hair and very loud voice said to the audience. "Rapunzel lived in the tower, growing older and older as her hair grew longer and longer" Owen had to suppress a yawn and Gwen glared at him. Behind a badly made tower a little girl with a gigantic blonde wig stood looking dramatically sad. "Everyday the Wicked Witch would visit her with food"

Suddenly a Weevil hobbled onto the stage slowly, holding a basket, reacting immediately Jack leaped onto the stage pulling the ginger kid away while holding a gun up at the Weevil.

"Everybody remain calm. I'm from Torchwood, I'll sort this ugly beast out" Jack said and Owen groaned as he realised that Jack just puffed his chest out heroically. How embarrassing.

"Daddy!" the Rapunzel wailed looking humiliated, Owen didn't blame her. "That's Uncle Owen's Halloween mask! He donated it to the school to make the play more interesting!" Owen slouched lower in his chair as his wife; Gwen and Jack were now sending him deadly glares. "How could you ruin my school play? I no longer love you!"

Jack's face crumbled. "Please Princess I was just trying to save the world" he said pleadingly to his daughter who turned her back to him. Gwen face palmed as Jack tried to bribe his daughter with the newest Barbie doll. Owen felt sorry for her, well not too sorry after all she chose the idiot, after all this was in front of an audience. "Princess?" Jack said hopefully.

No response.

"Oh come on Em!" Sakura said jumping up onto her seat. "We all know that you're upset because you now can't kiss Reo!"

Em whirled round looking horrified as her classmates giggled and Reo stepped out from behind the curtains dressed as a poof (in Owen's opinion because really what respectable boy would want to wear tights?) glaring at his little sister.

"Sakura!" he hissed menacingly.

"Em and Reo sitting in a tree" Sakura sang gleefully jumping away from Owen's attempts to pull her down. "K. I. S. S. I. N. G! First comes love, second comes marriage, and third comes a baby in a golden carriage"

"No grandchildren! I'm too young to be a Granddad!" Jack shrieked.

"Aren't you already a grandfather?" Gwen muttered darkly.

"Owen" Tosh gasped grabbing hold of Owen's sleeve tightly, "my waters are broken"

Owen paled. "Ah....shit"

Chaos resumed as Jack pleaded with Em, Reo tried to kill Sakura, everyone else was calling ambulances and giving Tosh birthing advice while Ianto sat there looking at the blank wall pretending he was at home reading a very good book. Something that didn't have fairy tales in them.

"I don't understand these Human stories" the little girl with silvery hair and unnatural big blue eyes said. "I thought Rapunzel was an old man with a long beard and colourful robes"

Ianto sighed as he tried to think of a way to explain the differences between Rapunzel and Albus Dumbledore to his adopted alien daughter.

He could write a book about it.

How to Get Through Insane Situations.


	15. Jack and the Beanstalk

**Summery: Jack woke up to all hell being let loose. He has now got to save Ianto, Gwen and Tosh from an overgrown Owen. But first he needs to climb up that beanstalk without dying. **

**Parings: implied Tosh/Owen and hinted Jack/Gwen/Ianto**

Jack woke up to the loud alarms of the Hub.

Leaping out of bed and un-heroically tripping over his week old undies, Jack finally made it to Tosh's computer to read the latest rift readings. His eyebrows flew upwards at the amount of rift energy. There hadn't been that much since Owen stupidly ripped open the rift to bring him and Tosh back from 1941.

"What the hell have you done this time, Owen?" Jack muttered.

Looking up Jack realised that not only was he standing in the middle of the Hub in his underwear but no one was having a go at him for it. Checking the clock he realised it was 9 in the morning, he overslept and there's no Ianto, Tosh and Gwen.

"Owen...." Jack called out hesitantly. "Tosh....Ianto....Gwen...hellooooooooo anyone home?"

No answer.

Jack was starting to find the silence very creepy.

In fact he can hear dripping from the tap in the bathroom.

Jack ran up to the invisible lift and waited impatiently for it to take him upwards. Outside seemed like a normal boring grey day in Cardiff....

Apart from the gigantic big green beanstalk standing right in front of him.

"You. Have. Got. To. Be. Kidding"

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

After getting dressed, falling three hundred and eighty five times, dying for the majority of them, Jack had managed to climb the beanstalk.

He raised another eyebrow at the fact he was walking on clouds. Maybe Owen drugged him or Ianto slipped something in his coffee....yeah that's got to be it. He had to be high. He wandered around the clouds for a while when a large cloud castle appeared with the door wide open.

"And that doesn't scream come inside" Jack muttered to himself as he entered the castle.

The inside of the castle was dirtier and...Well dirtier. The outside seemed so clean and pure and innocent while the inside was filled with rubbish, porn and underwear. It reminded Jack of his cadet cabin back when he was training as a Time Agent.

"Hello?" he called out.

"Jack!" Gwen hissed.

He looked up and found Gwen and Ianto standing in a large cage. Gwen was wearing a flimsy nightie and Ianto was wearing teddy-bear pjs. Jack very much appreciated the view, especially up Gwen's skirt.

"Finally. How long did it take for you to wake up?" Ianto said ungratefully.

"I was up by nine!" Jack said defensively.

"We've been stuck in this cage since half three in the morning" Ianto said coldly. "The Beanstalk has been there since two. It took seven whole hours for that alarm to actually wake you up?"

Jack looked sheepish and Gwen rolled her eyes. "Let's lecture him when we get back" she said firmly. "Just rescue us before _he _comes back"

"Whose he?"

"Rescue first!" both Ianto and Gwen shouted.

"Ok, ok" Jack said holding his hands up in an I-surrender gesture. "Keep your panties on. Though I wouldn't mind if you took them off...."

"Jack!"

Without any incidents Jack had managed to get up onto the cage and pick its lock. Gwen immediately threw her arms round Jack's neck and gave him a hug while Ianto followed with a grateful smile. They got down with ease and began to make their way out of the castle when the whole castle began to shake.

"What the....?" Jack murmured.

"Fe, Fi, Fo, Fum. I smell pheromones of a 51st century man" a loud voice roared above them. "Whether his immortal or not, I shall grind his bones and bake them in bread. Along with his pretty Welsh friends"

"Good God Jack, can't you keep those pheromones to yourself?" Gwen hissed.

"Is there any time when you're not horny?" Ianto said half irritated.

"Let's concentrate on getting out of here" Jack said dragging the pair by their hands out of the castle. "C'mon, you two, move it!"

They ran faster across the white fluffy fields when suddenly the ground opened up and Jack fell through.

"JACK!"

It all went dark.

Again.

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

Jack woke up to find himself on his bed. Gwen was sitting up, with her long pale legs curled under his dark blue coat that she was wearing over her nightgown. He found it incredibly sexy. Ianto stood near the rope ladder, one eyebrow raised up and apparently he kept a spare suit hidden somewhere since he was fully dressed.

"Finally!" Gwen cried out impatiently. "You took forever coming back this time!"

"Sorry but I died over three hundred times this morning" Jack grumbled. "What happened?"

"You fell through the hole, not one of your finest moments" Ianto said smirking slightly.

"I meant last night"

"Oh that. Something weird, I woke up after the earthquake and then the next thing I know some giant pervert was looking in my window!" Gwen shivered slightly, Jack reached out and took her hand and she smiled at him. "He then broke it, picked me up and almost crushed me in his hand as he stomped across Cardiff. He then kidnapped Ianto and Tosh before climbing up the Beanstalk. Speaking of which when did we become fairytale land?"

"Haven't you noticed that we've been playing out fairytales the past week?" Ianto raised an eyebrow disbelievingly. "Just yesterday your hair wouldn't stop growing"

Gwen grimaced. "Don't remind me" she muttered.

"What about Owen?" Jack demanded. "Did the Giant get him too?"

Gwen and Ianto exchanged uncertain looks. "Well....you see Jack....Owen....probably did something very stupid" Gwen said fidgeting uncomfortably. "He...well....i don't know how to say this but...."

"He is the Giant" Ianto said flatly.

"Oh bugger"

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

After one of Ianto's heavenly coffee Jack ordered the pair of them to wait in the Hub (both of them looked rather delighted and Jack inwardly cursed himself knowing he would miss out on something fun) before climbing up the Beanstalk (without dying this time) and breaking in the castle. When he comes to think of it the inside of the castle reflected Owen very well. Dirty and perverted.

"Tosh" Jack hissed. "Tosh. Where are you?"

"Jack" Tosh sang in a soft melodious voice. He turned round to find her tied round a golden harp. He raised an eyebrow. "Don't ask. Owen just has some fetishes that includes music"

Though she sounded all soft and innocent and pure, even Jack could hear the sexual satisfaction from her.

"But he's bigger now, wouldn't he'd crush you?" Jack asked. Tosh giggled and he blushed when he realised his innuendo. "You know what I mean!"

Before Tosh could answer the floor began to shake once more. "Fe, Fi, Fo, Fum. I smell pheromones of a 51st century man" a loud voice roared above them. "Whether his immortal or not, I shall grind his bones and bake them in bread. But not Tosh, I like her better than the Welsh ones"

"Why doesn't that surprise me?" Jack breathed. "C'mon I'm breaking you out of here" he said to Tosh as he untied her.

"But I don't want to go! I'm having so much fun" Jack ignored her as he kept a vice like grip on her wrist and dragged her across the floor. "Owen! Owen! Help! Jack is kidnapping me for his own perverted fantasises!"

"What?!"

"HANDS OF MY TOSH!"

Jack ran faster, still dragging a screaming Tosh as Owen chased after them. Jack managed to get half way down the Beanstalk when it shook both ends. Looking up Jack let out a little shriek of horror when he realised Owen was climbing down after them. Looking down Jack let out a louder shriek of horror when he realised someone was cutting the Beanstalk down.

Once again everything went very dark.

This was definitely not Jack's day.


	16. Snow Queen

**Summery: Jack, Ianto and Owen are kidnapped and it's up to Tosh and Gwen to save them. But with spring (Jackie) trying to send them home, summer (Martha) trying to distract them and autumn (the Doctor) outright refusing to help, it's a difficult journey. **

**Pairings: implied Tosh/Owen, Jack/Gwen, Janto, Jack/Rhys, Ianto/Rhys, Gwen/Rhys, one-sided Jack/Tosh, Jack/9, Jack/Rose with some Jack/Donna, 9Rose, 10Rose.**

"Snow!"

"Wow, so beautiful"

"Let's have a snowball fight!"

_Smack! Smack! Smack!_

"Hey no fair, you all attacked me!"

"Aw quit your whining Owen, we're just playing"

"Yeah but its three to one!"

"You should have been better prepared"

"Oh shut up Ianto"

Jack watched amused as his team were playing out in the snow like little children. Even Ianto who had been so restrained was gleefully smothering Owen's face in snow. Looking up at the grey cloudy sky with the soft white flakes drifting slowly, Jack smiled.

Something sparkled in the air. Something so bright and shiny that Jack winced. And then he yelped. Something painful had hit his eye and Jesus Christ it hurt.

"Argh!" Owen screamed clutching his eye while Ianto rubbed his eye with a slight wince.

"You, ok?" Gwen asked concerned.

"Just something in my eye" Ianto replied.

"It's bloody painful!" Owen moaned.

Jack rolled his eyes and winced. The pain was still there. "Yeah I got a little something in my eye too"

"Babies" Gwen muttered as she and Tosh shared a knowing look.

_Smack! _

Jack stood there looking unimpressed as he was covered in snow from Gwen's and Tosh's attack.

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

New Years Day was quiet. Too quiet. Only Tosh was there in the Hub typing away quickly. There was no Ianto pottering around, no Jack making sexual harassment comments and no Owen whining. Something was most definitely up.

"Where is everyone?" Gwen asked.

"Well if you actually arrived on time you'd know they've been kidnapped" Tosh said snottily.

Gwen looked sheepish, she knew arriving to work mid-afternoon was not the best thing to do. "Sorry, me and Rhys got caught up in our New Years sex. Though I have to admit it was odd that Ianto and Jack didn't come over to join us"

Tosh looked shocked. "Rhys shags Jack and Ianto?!" she squeaked.

Gwen shrugged. "Yeah, Rhys had always fancied Jack like mad. It's why he acted all stupid and aggressive around him. Neither Jack or Ianto mind sharing and if it means I get to see what's actually under Ianto's suit...."

"Must be nice to have sex" Tosh sighed.

"Well if Owen never threatened Jack with the most bloodthirsty threat I ever heard then I'm sure Jack would have had you thousands of times"

"Remind me to kill Owen after we rescue him"

"Doesn't that beat the objective of rescuing him?"

Tosh merely shrugged.

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

Gwen woke up with a groan to find herself cuddled next to Tosh on a huge comfortable bed. To her utmost horror, she was wearing a frilly white dress with red ribbons in her ringleted hair. Tosh was wearing a cheerful blue frilly dress with matching ribbons in her hair that was in; yes you got it, ringlets.

"Holy shit we look like china dolls!" Gwen screamed waking Tosh and causing a woman to rush into the room.

She looked rather normal. Pink tracksuit, far too much make-up and blonde hair shoved into a ponytail. "Oh my babies did you have a nightmare?" she said sweetly.

Gwen picked up her gun from the nightstand and held it up at her. "What the fuck have you done to me?"

"Oi! You little ungrateful twerp!" the woman screeched. "I pulled you out of the Thames, kept you dry and since my daughter ran off with all her clothes I dressed you in my neighbours' kid's clothes. Admittedly the kid is a creepy transvestite and insisted on doing your hair, but still be a little grateful!"

Gwen put her gun down. "Sorry" she muttered.

"I apologise for my friend, she has temper issues" Tosh said calmly causing Gwen to glare at her. "Thank you for saving us, we're looking for our friends who had been kidnapped and got swept up in a flood storm back in Cardiff"

"Yeah the weather has been freaky lately. I blame that good for nothing Doctor; he always causes these alien creeps to mess with Earth. Listen to me sweetheart, I'm sure your friends will be back sooner or later, it's safer to go back to Cardiff and wait"

"I understand but we specialise with aliens and can handle ourselves"

"You're gonna end up dead" the woman shrugged. "Shall I make you a cup of tea while you wait for your clothes to dry?"

"Yes please, forgive me but I don't know your name?"

"Oh, it's Jackie"

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

After waking up the day had gotten worse. First, their clothes shrunk in Jackie's temperamental washing machine and they were stuck in their frilly clothes. After saying goodbye to the equally temperamental woman (who had been muttering dark things about this Doctor guy) they had gotten attacked and were rescued by some soldier dudes. Who then dragged them to a beautiful elegant black woman in a golden dress.

"I am Dr Martha Jones" the woman said with such grace that Gwen (who was muddy and dishevelled) felt like a homeless bum. "How can I help you?"

"Our friends went missing and we need to save them from whatever alien threat there is" Gwen said quickly.

"There is no alien threat" Martha said calmly. "Our scanners would have shown us something"

"UNIT scanners are nothing compared to Torchwood" Tosh said smugly. "We have the best technology there is"

"Really....then you don't mind staying for dinner and swap tactics with the other generals" Martha said looking interested.

"We really need to save our friends" Gwen said trying to pull Tosh out of the room.

"Of course, though we require a change of clothes" Tosh said accepting the invitation.

Gwen had a funny feeling that Tosh was purposely delaying the rescue out of spite. After all Owen was a wanker.

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

After somehow pissing off UNIT and being chased out in their very tight ball gowns (Gwen in black and Tosh in a very light yellow) they were rescued by a man with a blue box that was bigger in the inside (they had seen weirder things, not that the man was pleased to hear that) and found Jack.

"Jack! Oh thank god, we were so worried!" Gwen shouted wrapping her arms round his neck while Tosh shyly hugged him from the side.

"Not that I'm complaining, I mean two gorgeous girls clinging to me, but err....have we met?" Jack asked looking confused.

They took a step back and realised this was not their Jack. For starters he was wearing jeans and a t-shirt, also his hair was longer and darker while his nose looked a little bigger....did their Jack have a nose job done then?

"We meet in the future. We're trying to save you and two other friends" Tosh explained calmly. She turned to the other man in a leather jacket. "Have we met?"

"I was gonna ask you two the same, you both look familiar" the man said scowling. "I'm the Doctor, this is Rose and that's Jack as you already know"

Rose was a young beautiful blonde that looked oddly familiar. "Do you know Jackie Tyler?" Gwen asked.

"She's my Mum" Rose said. "You met her?"

"Kept raging on how everything was the Doctor's fault" Gwen said grinning.

"Typical" the Doctor muttered darkly. "Right then, where's home? I'll drop you off"

"But what about Jack and our friends?" Gwen asked.

"Look, as far as I'm concerned Harkness over there can be fish food. He keeps flirting with me and Rose and it's getting on my nerves. Especially with the flirting with Rose"

Gwen glared at Jack. "You bloody sex maniac, now your ways are getting in the way of saving you, Ianto and Owen"

Jack smiled innocently. "Please, I have this tracking device, if you use the signal then you'll find them and just drop us off. You don't even have to see Jack or do anything to help them" Tosh pleaded.

The Doctor looked at her puppy dog eyes and turned to look Gwen who's green eyes were sparkling emerald puppy dog eyes. Groaning he turned to find Rose with the same look in her eyes. "Fine!" he snapped. "But that's it!"

"Thank you!" Tosh and Gwen chimed in unison.

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

They were in an icy mountain where a large cuddly polar bear was guarding. The three of them with a few other random men were mindlessly putting a mirror back together. Their captor, a beautiful red-haired woman who had a temper and voice to rival Jackie Tyler's, grinned at Tosh and Gwen (who, thanks to the Doctor, we're no longer in their dresses but in normal jeans and coats).

"As you see they do everything I ask of them" she said happily. "They make great sex slaves, Jack especially"

"Jack would" Gwen and Tosh grumbled.

"I don't understand, what's so special about the mirror?" Tosh asked.

"It's a door in space....at least I think that's what it's called. Basically it'll open up in an alternative universe and I'll be able to bring Rose back so skinny twig over there" she pointed to a brown suited man with wild hair who was sulking, "can stop moping about and I can enjoy time travel for once"

"Well that's all very nice and all but can we have our friends back now?"

"You sure you don't want to keep them as mindless sex slaves?"

"Well Ianto is already a slave when you think about it....."

"...but Owen never does anything he's told...."

"...and Jack only wants sex for himself...."

"You know what? Let's keep them as mindless sex slaves, got a spare bedroom Donna?"


	17. Thumbelina

**Summery: Owen shrunk Gwen and she has a mini adventure before.... IT'S NOT GWEN BASHING! IT'S JUST SOMETHING I CAN UNFORTUNATELY SEE HAPPENING!!!! **

**Pairings: slight Jack/Gwen, if you squint hinted Gwen/Rhys**

Gwen sat on the edge of the terracotta, arms crossed, and lips pouting and to her utmost horror in a doll's dress.

Her long dark hair was loose round her shoulders thankfully but it was now extremely glossy to Ianto's constant brushing. That man must have had a doll fetish since childhood – a sign of homosexuality, how could his parents miss it? Then again Ianto had always been a very sneaky man...

It was Ianto who then pulled out a little doll's dress and matching shoes to wear. She looked like some lost maiden in her blue off shoulder milk-maid dress and green flats. However, while it was Ianto's fault that she looked like a lost maiden, it was Owen Harper's fault that she was seven inches tall.

He just had to play about with that shrinking machine.

So now she was sitting on the edge of the pot plant that Jack sat her on, sulking while she was waiting for Tosh to find a way to reverse it.

It did not help that for a good ten minutes Jack and Owen sang Thumbelina over and over again. Good God, how sad are they to watch children movies over and over to the point that had memorized the lyrics?

Let's ignore the fact that she, Gwen Elizabeth Cooper, knew all the Snow White songs by heart.

Sighing Gwen jumped off the pot plant. She was bored and needed to move about. So being left in the greenhouse meant she could have some fun pretending she was the actual Thumbelina and leave Owen to do all the paperwork – aha!

Running about the table and climbing up the pots to wade through the thick soil and green leafy plants Gwen was having fun. She even pulled off a strawberry and laid there eating it slowly – it was so huge! Very luscious and red and....oh so juicy! She now had strawberry juice covering her dress and mouth but it was so worth it. Though she was feeling a little sticky now....hmmm....was there any water around?

Running round the pots and scanning her surroundings, Gwen wasn't paying attention to her hem....which she promptly tripped over and skidded across the table. Teetering on the edge as she clung tightly, so tight her knuckles went white.

"Help!" she screamed. "Someone help me!"Of course no one came to her rescue because no one can hear her little squeaky voice. If she survives this she's going to kill Owen. "Hel-ah!" she screamed as she fell. Her sweaty palms made it too slippery to hold onto the metal table.

She landed with a loud-ish thump and groaned. She felt like she had a thousand hangovers all at once which was something considering she should be dead. She could barely move and as she struggled to get on her knees the floor began to shake. Looking up a giant with big black boots was making their way towards her.

"Help!" she screamed. "Down here!"

_SQUASH!_

"Hey Gwen, where are you?" Owen called through the plants as he looked through them for Gwen. "Tosh managed to work out how to reverse the process. Please don't be mad, I promise that I'll buy you chocolate every morning from now on...Gwen"

"Have you found her?" Jack asked from the doorway.

"I think she's sulking" Owen grumbled.

"Leave her to it then, she's sooooooooooooooooooo cute right now that I think we should wait for a couple hours or more" Jack said.

"Pervert"

"Now, now Owen please tell me how I'm supposed to shag a girl several feet too small?"

"I wouldn't put it past you working out how"

"I'm flattered" Jack said preening slightly. "What's the squishy sound?"

"Urgh, something's on my shoe" Owen said lifting his foot up to inspect. "Ah....shit"

"What?"

"I think I found Gwen"

"Oh my God Owen, you killed Gwen!" Jack shrieked horrified.

"You bastard" Ianto said from the doorway.

"Err....whose going to tell Rhys?" Tosh asked nervously holding on tightly to the shrink ray machine.

There was a deathly silence.

"You can!" everyone shouted pointing at one another.


	18. Aladdin

**Summery: a rewrite of Adam. Owen is forgotten by the team and so the Doctor plays Genie to make Owen look good. **

**Pairings: Tosh/Owen, past Owen/Gwen, one sided Jack/Doctor, Jack/Owen, a little Jack/Donna and 10Rose.**

Owen sat on the edge of the pavement, head in hands and thunder above him. Melodramatic and clichéd as it was, Owen was suffering a bout of depression on one of the worst days of his life in the middle of a storm as he sulked on the pavement.

Yeah that was definitely cheesy as a four cheese pizza.

Ignoring the cheesiness of his situation Owen continued to mope and rage quietly while wishing he had a whiskey bottle to drown in.

After he had lost Kate, he had nothing. No family, no true friends and no beautiful fiancée that he loved more than anything. Bloody hell he didn't even have a pet! So when Jack Bloody Harkness took him in and fostered the evils of Toshiko Sato, Ianto Jones and Gwen Cooper on him of course he loved them more than anything else. They were his family, no matter what he had said aloud.

But now they have forgotten him.

They look at him like he was a stranger while they acted all buddy, buddy with fucking Adam Smith.

Jack patted him on the back just like he used to do with Owen. What's worse he even ruffled Adam's hair like he does when Owen is upset.

Ianto made Adam Owen's special ginger nut biscuits that Ianto knows Owen likes. The one that used to be his grandmother's secret recipe before Ianto adopted it and made it even better.

Gwen badgered Adam like the annoying sister she is. And yes Owen is aware she does that to everyone but she was giving Adam that tender understanding look that she and Owen shared due to their experience of being lovers.

And Tosh....oh Tosh. She had the same puppy adoration that she had for him, she stuttered slightly and attempted to reach out to Adam like she does to him.

Quite simply, he had been replaced.

With someone who was probably better than him.

That wanker.

TWWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

Owen woke up to find himself in his flat with two weirdos leaning over him. One of them had brown hair that stood up everywhere and wore a really pathetic suit while the other was a hot redhead who looked a little too old for his taste.

"Finally! We were waiting ages for you to wake up" the red head said in a really loud voice. "I'm Donna Noble and this is the Doctor, we have some questions for you"

"Donna" the man said warningly.

"The Doctor? Jack's doctor bloke?" Owen mumbled wiping the sleepy wax out of his eyes.

"Ah...you know Jack"

The disapproval was written all over the man's face. It pissed Owen off. It was like being associated to Jack was a bad thing. Yeah Jacks' a perve but he was a better Dad to Owen than anyone else.

"Yeah, so? I have you know that despite his annoying tendencies to flirt with anything breathing, Jack's a pretty descent guy and saved the world more times than you ever will"

The man laughed. "I doubt that. Especially since I taught Jack to stop conning people and start saving them" Bloody hell. Owen has just met his mentor's mentor. "Now then, my spaceship has found some unusual readings from the rift and then on top of that I observed interactions of your team and was surprised to find a memory chameleon amongst them"

"In other words Space-Man here was spying on Jack because he thought he messed up again and was shocked to find a dude who can implant memories" Donna translated.

"That bastard! I'll kill him!"

"Ah" the Doctor played with his ear, "now you see this is why I don't like Jack's methods. He was always a pro-gun man; I had to replace his weapons with bananas for weeks. A complete waste of a good banana bunch....anyway back to the point, you can't kill a memory chameleon in natural ways, you have to make everyone forget him for him to truly die"

"Good thing I have some retcon in the flat" Owen said getting out of bed.

"But don't you want to know my really cool plan?" the Doctor pouted.

"Not really, no"

"Besides, it's not that cool" Donna said rolling her eyes.

"Oh come on Dr Owen Harper! Think about it, you can trick Jack into thinking you're me, win the idiotic team over and get the girl" the Doctor said jumping on the bed. "I can be your Genie for you!"

"My team are not idiotic"

"Pur-lease they didn't notice your name thingy-me-bob on the desk. It's obvious you work there and yet they didn't pick up on it"

"Give it a day and I'm sure Ianto would have worked it out at least" Owen said fidgeting slightly. Not liking the fact that this weirdo who was ruining his bed in his shoes was actually one hundred per cent correct. Jack and Gwen were always clueless. "Oh, all right then, we do it your way"

"Yes!" the Doctor cheered jumping off the bed and wrapping an arm round Owen. "Oh I'll tell you Owen Harper, you never had a friend like me"

"Stop quoting Disney and find some new material!" Donna squawked behind them.

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

After bickering about the Doctor's fashion taste and the stupidity of having a sonic screwdriver over a gun, the Doctor and Owen had settled with an agreement of black leather jacket, cheesy tacky seventies shirt and blue jeans. The Doctor had given Owen's gun to Donna to 'guard' and unwillingly gave up his sonic screwdriver and psychic paper to Owen. After a moment's thought, the Doctor then decided that Owen needed mental barriers in case Adam tried to manipulate Owen's memory. Owen had felt incredibly uncomfortable with that, especially when the Doctor told him off for his rude thoughts, he could talk! The Doctor had then reassured Owen several times over that he'll be wearing some sort of cloaking device and will be there to Coach Owen on what to say.

"And I'll also be there to make sure he doesn't make you say something stupid" Donna said. Which Owen had found even more reassuring than having the Doctor by his side. "As your brilliant companion of course"

So there Owen stood waiting impatiently as the Doctor flew the TARDIS (something that Tosh would be drooling over with all that technology) into the Hub, to make an entrance. Owen took a deep breath, opened the door and was immediately embraced by Jack.

"I can't believe you're here! Bloody hell Doc, have you regenerated again? You look all right, not as gorgeous as the old model but still shaggable" Owen grimaced at the thought of Jack shagging the Doctor. Not. A. Pleasant. Thought. "Well then, this is my team Gwen Cooper, Toshiko Sato, Ianto Jones and Adam Smith. Guys this is the Doctor"

"Yo" Owen said looking bored.

"Yo?!" the Doctor hissed. "That is complete abuse to the English language! A nice hello would do wonderfully, you know?"

"Ah put a sock in it" Owen muttered.

"Pardon?" Jack said looking surprised.

"I'm talking to my new companion, she's back in there. Nice girl, a little gobby around the edges though"

Jack laughed. "You can talk! Well lets me see her, I love a good girl to talk to"

"Stop it" the Doctor, Owen and Ianto all said at the same time.

"Oh I don't know I wouldn't mind a little flirting here and there" Donna purred from behind Owen as she fluttered her eyelashes at Jack. "Donna Noble and you must be Captain Harkness"

Jack looked delighted as he took Donna's hand and kissed it lightly. "You told her about me?! I thought you only talked about blondes"

"Just warning her about what a pervert you are" Owen growled. "Now then, my TARDIS seems to be picking up abnormal rift readings, I thought you could handle a little action? I should have known better"

Owen cringed a little as Jack looked hurt. He decided when this mess was over he'd hit the Doctor for constantly belittling someone as wonderfully annoying as Jack.

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

With the Doctor's coaching and Donna's super slapping skills, Owen had managed to save the world from another invasion attack. His arrogant show of things had not only won the adoration of Tosh again but gave Jack that puppy dog adoration as well. It was very creepy having to come from Jack. Gwen looked at in him awe while Ianto just looked in different, as always. Adam, however just glared, obviously he knew who Owen really was but couldn't prove it without blowing his cover.

The Doctor then flew the TARDIS into Tosh's flat so that Owen could 'woo' her. In reality Owen had hoped some time spent with him she'll remember and can help him kill Adam.

"Doctor!" Tosh squeaked, dropping her book and blushing simultaneously.

"Come with me" Owen said holding his hand out to her, trying to ignore the terrible sexual innuendo that was so blatantly obvious. "I can show you a whole new world" a bugger, the Doctor's Disney quoting has reached him too.

She shyly took his hand and he whisked her too a whole new planet. The Doctor had kept whispering trivial knowledge of the planet in his ear as he gave Tosh a tour. Donna tagged along but was obviously just enjoying tormenting the Doctor when Tosh wasn't looking. After a little wander they ended up in a festival and Owen gleefully managed to wrap an arm round Tosh's shoulder as they watched the fireworks.

"They're so adorable it's sickening" Donna whispered to the Doctor.

"Uhuh"

"And to think he keeps saying he doesn't love her. What a stupid self-sacrificing prat! Do you know who he reminds me of? He reminds me of you, stupid, skinny, rude, idiotic, egotistic, stuck up git. I bet you never acknowledge your feelings for Rose till it's too late"

"Donna" the Doctor growled.

"Hey" she said softly. "He's getting his chance and you will too one day"

"I never will"

"Never say never, Space-Boy. Besides I've never been wrong about love before"

The Doctor snorted. "Lance"

"Oh shut up" Donna snickered quietly to herself as she noticed Owen and Tosh kissing one another slowly and softly. "Look at that. I was right"

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

'Owen' managed to park the TARDIS in the Hub when Tosh raided the wardrobe for something to wear. Donna left to flirt with Jack some more while Ianto had cornered Owen just as Tosh sat herself on her chair.

"Your name is Owen Harper and you're the Torchwood Medic" he blurted out once he got Owen into the kitchen. "But for some reason I don't remember you"

"How did you know?"

"I keep a diary; I have a photo of the team together"

"You keep a diary?!"

"I can't seem to find a single reference to Adam Smith in my diary though. So I believe he somehow erased you from our memories and replaced you with himself. But how to get the others to realise this without him being alerted...."

"You keep a diary?!"

"Jack seems to be loosing his marbles these days and Gwen is getting more and more distant with Rhys while Tosh....well she's just Tosh, although she was glowing this morning but I put it down to you-"

"You keep a diary?!" Ianto shot Owen a dark look and he grinned manically. "Oh I am so going to use that against you when this is all over. If I remember this though. Look according to the real Doctor, Adam is some sort of memory chameleon. He implants memories of himself in your mind and it erases some of your real memories to accommodate him. Has nasty side affects though, like you start remembering the bad things which is probably why Jack is loosing his marbles"

"So...retcon then?"

"Yeah I guess....bugger....I'm gonna forget about last night with Tosh, aren't I?"

Ianto smiled sympathetically. "I'll start making some coffee"

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

The Doctor and Donna watched the team wake up and grumble about headaches. They weren't quite sure why they were there or why they were cloaked. But it was enjoyable to see the team swear and threaten to kill Jack if he had all sexually harassed them.

"I have a strange feeling" Owen mumbled as he accepted a hot coffee from Ianto with a grateful smile.

"Ill? You must be if you're smiling at me" Ianto said flatly.

"No....just that I feel like I learnt something important in the past couple days"

"How to shut up?" Gwen asked cheekily.

Owen rolled his eyes. "Wish you'd shut up. No I think I learnt to appreciate you all. God knows why since you all drive me insane"

"We love you too" Jack said sarcastically.

But the Doctor and Donna could see the happiness in Owen Harper's eyes after those four words.


	19. Little Mermaid

**Summery: a crossover with Disney! The team are on holiday when Jack drowns. A beautiful mermaid saves him and....well....it is Jack we're talking about....WARNING: high sexual content, nothing graphic but definitely tons implied. **

**Pairings: Jack/Ariel, slight Jack/Ianto, Jack/Gwen, Jack/Tosh, one sided Jack/Triton, Jack/Doctor, Jack/Rose**

"I can't believe you're wearing a suit on a beach"

Ianto looked up from scooping ice cream out of the container to look at Owen. Owen was wearing the most terrifying bright floral shirt and frayed shorts. Gwen and Tosh were lying under an umbrella in their swim suits and sunglasses; Gwen was sunbathing while Tosh was reading.

Ianto had decided to ignore Owen and continue scooping ice cream out for the girls. He had been the only sensible one out of the team (as always) and packed only several changes of underwear and shirts while bringing a giant cooler filled with ice cream and fizzy drinks.

"Seriously, we're in Hawaii not a conference"

"Though that's where Rhys thinks we are" Gwen snickered.

Jack had decided that the team needed a bonding holiday somewhere tropical. So far Ianto had to deal with a drunken Jack, danger prone Gwen, lost Tosh and sunburnt Owen. And it had only been the first three days; he's dreading the next three weeks. Speaking of Jack...

"Where is Jack?" Ianto asked.

The other three all rolled their eyes and looked over at the sparkling blue ocean where Jack was surfing in extremely tight little knickers that were supposed to be swimming trunks.

"You have to admit he has a nice package" Gwen said admiringly, Tosh and Ianto murmured agreements while Owen choked.

"That's disgusting" he spat out.

They ignored Owen in favour for ice cream and watching Jack. Suddenly a large wave pulled Jack under. They waited unconcerned for five minutes but after another five minutes it was becoming apparent that Jack wasn't coming back.

"I bet he's gone and died again" Owen said unsympathetically. "He's always seeking attention with his deaths"

Ianto opened his mouth to protest and then closed it. "Actually you're right. He used a death that I'm pretty sure was self-done to get me into bed"

"Hey" Gwen said, "let's go to the spa and wait for Jack to turn up"

"Sure, why not?"

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

A sweet, soft, beautiful voice. A voice almost as dazzling as the song that brought him back to life for the very first time. For a second he thought Rose was back but when his eyes shot open a beautiful redhead was kneeling beside him as she sang.

Her hair was waist-length, thick and rather brittle. As if she had been swimming all her life. But her skin was pale, creamy and soft looking and her eyes were bright mischievous blue-green.

She wore a purple shell bra and a green tail.

A green tail.

Holy shit!

She's a mermaid.

He was so gonna have her!

"Hello, I'm Captain Jack Harkness and who are you?" he said in his best flirty voice as he held a hand out to her.

She gasped slightly. "I'm Ariel" she mumbled shyly as she took his hand. He immediately flipped it over and kissed her knuckles causing her to flush a slight pink.

"So what's a beautiful girl like you doing with a worthless guy like me?"

"Oh but you're not worthless!" she said immediately. "You seem to be a very sweet guy. And you're handsome"

"How handsome?"

"Very, you're like a prince! Dark hair, blue eyes like the sea and....and...." she looked down at his chest in an embarrassed admiration.

Oh Jack was enjoying this.

"Strong?"

"Yes!"

"Well darling, you're the most beautiful girl I have ever seen on this planet" he said cupping her face. "In fact you make the ocean pale in comparison" she looked extremely flattered. To her the ocean must be the most beautiful thing in the universe. To be told that she was even more beautiful than it was a one way ticket to her bed. "Have you ever been kissed, Ariel?" she slowly shook her head. "Well I'm honoured to be the first"

He took it slowly since it's obvious she was purer than anything. He knew how to seduce a virgin or an extremely prude person. After all he succeeded in having Ianto and Tosh several times in the past.

There had only ever been two people he had failed to seduce. The Doctor and Rose. But one day he will. Until then....

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

It had been two weeks of incredibly good semi-sex. Only semi-sex since the poor girl had a tail and could not experience the true greatness of real sex.

Jack barely even thought about the Torchwood Team and had spun a load of made-up stories of his kingdom back in the land of Cardiff to Ariel.

After all he's not going to see her again once he gets bored of her.

It was all going really well till the Merman with the beard and giant fork turned up with the most evil glare in the world. Seriously it rivalled the Doctor....the Doctor with the big ears....

"You!" the man roared. "You destroyed my daughter's pureness! You forever stained her reputation! She'll always be known as a sea-whore! Worse than a sea-whore! She'll be a prostitute to land men!"

Ariel had promptly burst into tears and the scowl on the red crab that was sitting on the man's shoulder softened.

"Princess..." he mumbled but after a glare from the man he looked stern again.

"Look, handsome I didn't mean to ruin her reputation. In fact we have barely done anything, just a kiss in gratitude of her saving my life" Jack said calmly.

The man faltered. "She's been missing for two weeks"

"Keeping me company while I await my knights to find me" Jack lied without hesitation. "You know....you could always keep us company too" he couldn't resist adding with a waggle of his eyebrows.

The man pointed his giant fork at him and a bright golden electric bolt and hit him.

Everything went dark.

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

Jack entered the Hub to find everyone working peacefully. They had barely looked up when he had came in. He felt furious. After all it had taken five months to grow his body back. Five months growing back from dust in about fifty feet deep under the sea.

No matter what that bloody crab said, there are a million things better than under the sea.

"Hem, hem" Jack coughed.

"Oh. You're back" Gwen said looking up.

"Didn't you even look for me?" Jack shouted.

"Yes. But you weren't at the beach and we figured you ran off with the Doctor again so we went home and did our jobs" Gwen said icily. "Anything else or would you like me to amputate your family jewels?"

Tosh, Owen and Ianto were now looking at him with incredibly dark looks as well.

Damn! He really should stop keeping to his reputation of running away.

"If I told you that I spent two weeks making love with a mermaid princess before her father came and disintegrated my body....what would you say?" he asked weakly.

They all blinked.

"Jack..."Owen said slowly. "Have you been smoking pot again?"


	20. Princess Kaguya

**Summery: based on a Japanese fairy tale of a Moon princess that fell from the sky. **

**Pairings: Tosh/Owen, Janto, Gwen/Rhys **

They stood there looking sceptical at the giant bamboo plant that stood in the middle of a crater. Earlier that evening they had all seen the meteor and for once managed to get to the crash site before the army. Never before had there been a plant instead of some sort of crater.

It was either very stupid or very alien.

"Oh for cripes sake it's just a tree!" Owen yelled after five minutes of pure silence. "Let's just put it in a pot and take it back to the Hub, so I can go out drinking"

Jack swatted Owen. "Idiot. It's an _alien_ tree; remember the last time you were in contact with one? You were growing apples out of your ears for two weeks!"

Owen flushed a bright pink as Ianto and Gwen snickered at the memories. "They made a good apple crumble once I cleaned the ear wax off" Ianto said causing Gwen to screw her face up in disgust.

"That's disgusting!"

"Shh!" Jack hissed. "The tree is opening up"

True to Jack's word the large green leaves drooped to the floor as the slim thick green stem opened up. There lying in the heart of the plant was a small baby with a thick tuff of black hair.

"Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww it's so cute!" Jack squealed causing Owen to raise an eyebrow, Gwen to burst into giggles and Ianto to face-palm. Jack ran over to pick up the naked baby, holding her like a true father and with the delight written all over his face, you would have thought he was holding his first born. "It's a she! A pretty little girl! And she looks Japanese"

The baby opened her eyes and looked up at Jack. "Dada" she cooed holding a chubby hand up to him.

"She already knows who her Daddy is!" Jack cried out, tears forming in his eyes.

"God grief" Owen grumbled. "What an idiot"

Jack cuddled the baby tighter. "Yes, I'm your Daddy and I'm going to be the best Daddy in the whole world"

The baby ignored him as she reached out to Ianto. "Mama!" she cried.

Gwen fell to the floor in hysterical laughter and Owen was leaning on a tree trying to hide his snickers. Ianto stood there trying to keep his pride as Jack kept praising his 'precious little princess'.

This was going to be a long night.

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

Three days later the baby was a toddler who had the knowledge of a six year old. Jack didn't seem bothered by the fact that his newly adopted daughter was super-intelligent; the only thing he had problems with was what to call her.

"I don't want to give her a boring name but then I don't want to give her a name that will get her bullied by everyone. Children can be very cruel, you know" Jack said leafing through a baby name book.

"How did Alice get her name?" Gwen asked remembering Jack's daughter from his last birthday party.

"Her mother named her. Apparently whatever I chose was the wrong one" Jack grumbled darkly.

Ianto rolled his eyes. "Only because you wanted to name her Princess Fluffy"

"Jack, you child abuser!" Owen yelped. "That's a dreadful name!"

"What? She was my little princess and had a ball of fluff on her head"

"Ianto should name the baby" Gwen decided snatching the baby book away from Jack. "You obviously lack the sensibility for such an important task"

Jack began whining while the baby crawled on to Ianto and held her arms out to him. Ianto looked thoughtful. "Toshiko" he said finally as he picked her up. "Her name is Toshiko"

"Why Toshiko?" Owen asked.

"Well for starters it's from Japan which is where she looks like she's from" Ianto said calmly as he checked Toshiko for bruises. "And it's also Japanese for child genius"

Owen snorted. "If I had a Jap baby I would have called her Sakura"

"And that is where you lack imagination and I do not" Ianto said calmly. "Isn't that right Toshiko?"

"Yes Mummy" Toshiko said timidly.

"Toshiko!" Jack cried out snatching her out of Ianto's arms and whirling her in the air. "That's perfect for my little princess! I shall call you Tosh for short! My beautiful Toshie!"

"Err Jack....i think the baby is going to hurl" Owen said.

Jack ignored him and continued to twirl Tosh round causing her to vomit all over him.

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

Two weeks later Toshiko Harkness-Jones looked like she was eight years old and had the intelligence level of a seventeen year old. A seventeen year old without hormones and no understanding of romance. It was Gwen's day off and Jack and Ianto were stuck chasing rabid weevils round the city leaving Gwen and Rhys in charge of Tosh.

Gwen had decided to take Tosh to the park for a picnic and shortly discovered that Tosh didn't enjoy being in crowded places as she sat there stiffly on the swing.

"Hey sweetheart, what's up?" Gwen asked sitting next to her on the other swing.

"I don't quite understand the logic behind these contraptions" Tosh said calmly. Gwen blinked to make sure she was looking at a cute eight year old. Jack had deliberately dressed Tosh in a cute pink pinafore dress and long-sleeved flowery top with pigtails in her hair. She was the epitome of cuteness and yet sounded like thirty odd year old scientist. "What exactly is the point in going back and forth?"

"To have fun" Gwen said lightly pushing herself forward and backwards. "The whole point is that you have some fun"

"I think it would be more fun to go upside down as well" Tosh said with a slight frown.

"I'll take you to Alton Towers next week, if your Dad lets me" Gwen promised.

"Alton Towers?"

Gwen launched into a long description of the theme park and then had to explain the concept of theme parks to Tosh. While the girl was extremely intelligent in all things Maths, Sciences and every other school subject, she had yet to understand anything Human. She barely understood the concept of affection, something that Jack smothers her with daily.

"Hey, I got us hot dogs" Rhys said cheerfully passing a bun to Tosh and Gwen.

"Oh thanks" Gwen said giving Rhys a kiss on the lips. When they broke apart they realised Tosh was watching them with an intense thoughtful look. "What you're thinking Tosh?"

"I think that Maths is simpler than Human interaction"

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

"I hate you!"

Ianto had only just walked in when fourteen year old Tosh stormed out of the Hub, head held up high and a look of fury that rivalled Medusa's.

Jack looked like he was going to burst into tears. "Ianto, our baby hates me!" he wailed clinging to Ianto.

Ianto absently patted him on the back while silently wondered if it was possible to get divorce without being married first. "I doubt she hates you. She's just going through a tough stage of teenage hormones" he said calmly. "Tell me what happened"

"She....she...she wants to get a university degree! And move out of the Hub....and find some friends out of Torchwood" Jack sniffled.

"Doesn't sound too bad"

"Ianto! She's a baby! My little baby! She's not old enough to leave home and run off with some drunk!"

Ianto sighed. As usual Jack was being melodramatic. "Jack, she's a super-intelligent fourteen years old. The worst that could happen is that she comes back heartbroken and slightly disillusioned"

"Ianto, she may look fourteen but deep down she's still ten months old!"

Ianto felt a headache coming on.

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

"Here"

Tosh looked up to see Owen Harper holding out a packet of tissues. The man barely spoke a word to her; in fact he had often tried to avoid her when she was younger. When she had cornered him to be taught medicine, it had been the only time he truly interacted with her. So it was a surprise to see him standing in front of her.

"Thank you" she murmured taking the tissues and using one to blow her nose.

"I saw what that kid did to you. It was harsh. If you like I could dissect him"

She smiled. "No thank you"

"Heard you had an argument with your Dad"

"Yeah, he just doesn't understand me"

Owen snorted. "You're a teenager kid; no one is supposed to understand you"

"It's...been difficult. Making friends. They think I'm a geek and not worth their time and here I thought people enjoyed having an intellectual conversation"

"Adults do, teenagers don't. They focus more on drink and sex"

"So you're a teenager too then?"

Owen spluttered. "You-You-You cheeky little monkey!"

She giggled. "Thank you Owen" she said shyly.

He ruffled her hair. "You're welcome kid"

Five minutes later she got Jack crying again with her loud declaration of being in love with Dr Owen Harper.

Ianto just silently wondered what happened to the taste he installed in Tosh.

Her crush on Owen must be Jack's doing.

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

It was her first birthday and she looked twenty five. She was officially on the Torchwood Team and with her help they had saved the world ten times the past week. To celebrate Owen insisted on the pub though Jack protested saying a one year old should stick to ice cream and jelly.

Needles to say Tosh killed him for saying that.

It turned out Ianto had taught her how to use a gun.

So Tosh had gotten drunk rather quickly and while Jack was busy snogging Ianto, she took the advantage of a very drunk Owen. It was quick, very hot and brilliant. So they of course did it several more times before falling asleep at his flat.

Owen woke up to Jack threatening to kill him and Ianto giving Tosh a million hangover cures and morning after pills.

Tosh smiled at him brightly and he decided if Jack did kill him it was all worth it. "I wanted to do that with you since you gave me those tissues. I think I finally understand the concept of Human desire"

Jack started strangling Owen again.

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

It was a warm clear night and the Torchwood Team were standing on the roof of one of Jack's favourite towers. They were all confused as to why they were there since it was Tosh who invited them and not Jack.

Tosh looked beautiful in the moonlight. Her skin glowed and her eyes lit up brightly though her smile was sad.

"I am going back to my home planet" she said to them. "I was sent here by my biological parents as an attempt to become something better"

"What?! You can't leave me! Please Toshie, you're my little girl" Jack pleaded.

"Dad, it is my duty as the Moon princess to take my throne"

"What?!" everyone squawked.

"I love you all" Tosh said hugging Jack and Ianto. "You two were the best parents anyone can ask for" she then kissed Gwen on the cheek. "Goodbye Aunt Gwen, send my love to Uncle Rhys" she kissed Owen more fully on the lips. "I love you the most" she whispered.

Jack sniffled. "I can't believe my little girl is a princess"

"Hang on; the Moon is filled with craters! How can there be life there?" Gwen said as the thought suddenly struck her.

Tosh smiled mysteriously. "You would be surprised. Oh and Owen?"

"Yes?"

"I'll send Sakura over in the summer"

It took a moment for it all too sink in. Then Owen had to run as fast as possible to avoid Jack trying to kill him.


	21. Outtakes

**Summery: just little scenes that could have appeared in the fic**

**Pairings: everyone/everyone **

**Bad Wolf:**

"Sometimes the Bad Wolf isn't always bad" she murmured as she rolled over in her sleep.

"Rose?" he whispered shaking her slightly.

Her eyes opened to reveal her usual warm amber colour. He let out a little sigh of relief, for a terrifying moment he thought she had been possessed by the time vortex again. "Doctor" she mumbled.

"Hello" he said quietly as he tucked a strand of gray hair behind her ear. "Heard you talk in your sleep"

"Dreamt about Jack. He did something stupid" she yawned.

"As usual" he snickered, the snickering turned into a hacking cough and she patted him gently on the back. "Urgh, it's been too long since I felt my age"

"Been a good adventure though, hasn't it?" she said smiling fondly. Four children, twenty grandchildren and three great-grandchildren so far. A very long marriage, a good house, holidays all over the world and long successful careers.

"Yes, an adventure I never thought I would have. I'm glad you're with me"

She kissed him lightly. "I'll be with you always. Forever"

"Forever" he replied. "Goodnight"

"Night" she turned round and smiled wickedly to herself.

Yes she did enjoy the long life she had with a wonderful man. But she had promised forever for her Doctor and the time vortex is making her follow through. After she dies, she'll regenerate and the rift is opening up enough for her to slip through back to her universe.

Sometimes of the Bad Wolf isn't bad. But most of the time the Bad Wolf is wicked and very devious.

**Sleeping Beauty Take One:**

"Oh and Ianto?"

Ianto turned. "Yes sir?"

"Is it me or are you wearing Gwen's lipstick?"

"Well...uh....you see Jack...." Ianto stammered. "What happened is....err...."

"Ianto is a transvestite" Tosh blurted out.

"He is?" Gwen, Owen and Jack asked the exact time Ianto asked, "I am?"

"Yes" Tosh said firmly. "Ianto has a new boyfriend who likes it when Ianto dresses up as a girl. He was experimenting with Gwen's lipstick when she was asleep and I promised him I'll take him high heel shopping tomorrow"

"Well then, if Ianto wants any tips he can just come to me. After all I won several awards with my drag queen act"

Ianto groaned loudly and Gwen and Tosh looked half intrigued and half horrified at the thought of Jack in a mini skirt.

Owen began bashing his head against the nearest desk.

"Owen, seriously you need to stop doing that. You're going to lose more brain cells than you have"

**Sleeping Beauty Take Two: **

"Oh and Ianto?"

Ianto turned. "Yes sir?"

"Is it me or are you wearing Gwen's lipstick?"

"Yes" Gwen said. "Ianto is wearing my lipstick. We are secretly engaged and have been since before you came back. The only reason I told you I was engaged with Rhys was because I panicked. We're both sorry Jack but we're not in love with you"

Owen began jumping and cheering in joy.

Jack looked sceptical. "Now come on Gwen, there's no need to lie" a loud series of thumping could be heard. "Owen, seriously you need to stop doing that. You're going to lose more brain cells than you have"

**Sleeping Beauty Take Three:**

"Oh and Ianto?"

Ianto turned. "Yes sir?"

"Is it me or are you wearing Gwen's lipstick?"

"No sir, it's just your imagination" Ianto lied smoothly with an innocent smile.

Jack scratched his head. "Must be the lack of sleep" he mumbled.

Owen began bashing his head against the nearest desk.

"Owen, seriously you need to stop doing that. You're going to lose more brain cells than you have"

"YOU'RE THE ONE WITH NO BRAIN CELLS!"

**Genetic Match:**

"You both are Gwen Cooper's genetic match" the dalek Doc explained once more with his everlasting patience.

"Yes but how did two little sperms fertilise the same egg and came with this?!" Jack said losing all patience.

"You both are Gwen Cooper's genetic match"

"But that doesn't explain-"

"Jack" Ianto interrupted with a firm glare. "Just forget it. The kid is ours, the end"

"But Ianto, this never happened before!"

The little boy looked up with one sparkling blue eye and one warm brown eye. His nose and lips looked like Gwen's but his pale skin was clear as Ianto's while his hair was dark and soft like Jack.

He was the perfect son of Jack, Gwen and Ianto. The DNA test proved it.

**After the Insanity:**

Stephen opened the door to find a charming man in a red jacket and tight trousers.

"Hello" the man purred. "Aren't you a pretty little boy? I'm going to be your Uncle John or maybe Uncle Hatter, whatever your mother likes"

"Mum! Some creep is at the door!" Stephen yelled.

Alice hurried to the door, frying pan in hand. She paused and stared at the man with wide eyes. "Hello princess, how have you been?" Alice let out a scream and began trying to whack John with the frying pan.

"I already told Dad I don't want anything to do with your freaks!" she screeched before slamming the door in his face.

John sighed and turned to find Jack holding some flowers and an action figure. "Don't bother. If she doesn't want to see me, then she'll definitely not want to see you" Jack visibly deflated and John wrapped an arm round him. "Buy me a drink and I'll make it worth your while..."

**After the Play:**

"It's a girl and a boy!" Owen announced joyfully as he entered the main Hub room.

"Yes!" Sakura and Reo cried out.

"Have you named them yet?" Gwen asked curiously.

"No not yet" Owen said. A little hand tugged at his shirt and he turned to see Ianto's alien daughter looking up at him with wide yes. "Yes?" he asked gently.

"You should name them Rapunzel and Dumbledore"

Chaos resumed as everyone began to laugh, argue and scream.

"I hate you Daddy, I hate you!"

"But princess..."

"Jack, just give it up"

**After the Beanstalk:**

"Jack?"

Jack groaned loudly as his eyes fluttered open. Two blurred shapes came into focus as Gwen wielding as axe and Ianto looking unnaturally calm stood above him.

"You cow" Jack growled. "You chopped down the Beanstalk!"

Gwen blinked. "What Beanstalk?"

"The one where Owen was a giant and Tosh was a harp...though harpy would be a better adjective"

Someone kicked him in the balls causing Jack to groan in agony. "I am not a harpy!" Tosh muttered sitting up on Jack's chest. "My head hurts" she moaned, "what happened?"

"Urgh" Owen groaned as he rolled off Jack's legs and onto the cold floor. "That was some wild night out"

"But the Beanstalk!" Jack shouted causing Owen and Tosh to flinch. "Owen somehow turned into a giant and kidnapped Gwen, Ianto and Tosh. Tosh was turned into a sexually satisfied harp while Gwen wore a sexy nightie and Ianto wears teddy bear pyjamas!"

Owen spluttered with laughter. "Ianto wears teddy bear pyjamas?!"

"No coffee for you two" Ianto said quietly, his glare deadly.

Gwen sighed. "Jack, what have we told you about smoking pot?"

**Jack's a Dad....again:**

"The rift activity seems to be coming from the sea" Tosh said as the team stood at the edge of Cardiff Bay. "One of us might have to go swimming"

"Not me!" Gwen, Owen and Ianto said quickly taking one look at the icy water.

Jack rolled his eyes. "How childish are you three?"

Before anyone could answer a loud splashing noise could be heard in the water. They turned to see a pretty redhead wearing a long-sleeved purple top.

"It's freezing, you never said your kingdom was so cold Jack" she said in a soft voice.

"Ariel!" Jack shouted looking shocked. "Err...your father isn't here as well is he?"

"No, though he isn't happy with you. I've been charged in escorting our children back to you before returning to the palace. Father is marrying me off to some respectable Merman" she wrinkled her nose in disgust.

"Ch-ch-children?" Jack choked.

"Yes"

Suddenly seven heads popped out of the water. Four boys and three girls, all with dark black hair and sea-green eyes.

"Daddy!" they squealed.

"I haven't named them yet but I thought you would like the honour of doing that since they'll be living with you"

Jack got teary-eyed. "They're so beautiful! Guys, can you believe it? I'm a daddy to seven beautiful Mer-babies" there was silence. "Guys?" Jack turned to see his whole team passed out on the ground.

**Jack's a Grandfather....again:**

A pure white beam almost blinded the Torchwood team as a small girl with wild black hair and large backpack appeared.

"Daddy!" she squealed tackling Owen.

Owen numbly hugged her back. "Sakura...?" he asked.

She nodded. "Sakura Harkness-Jones-Harper, I'm seven years old now! Mummy sends her love"

"I'm a grandfather!" Jack said tearfully snatching Sakura away from Owen and smothering her. "She's so beautiful despite being related to Owen"

"Hey!"

"Grandma...help!" Sakura croaked holding a hand out to Ianto.

Ianto silently cursed the gods as Gwen and Owen burst into hysterical laughter.

**Alt ending for everything:**

"...And so Prince Jack and his knights rode off into the sunset with the world save once again. And they-"

"Lived happily ever after" three voices chorused.

Rhys smiled fondly at his children. "That's right. Now off to bed" the three children moaned as Rhys herded them into their beds. His eldest grabbed his hand and looked at him directly in the eyes.

"Dad" he whispered. "They never did live happily ever after, did they?"

Rhys' eyes grew sad as he hugged his son tightly. "Don't tell your siblings" he whispered before kissing his son goodnight one last time.

He shut the door and headed down to the living room, pausing on the stairs to look at the framed photo on the wall. Gwen was grinning brightly next to Jack who had an arm wrapped round her, Tosh smiled shyly while Owen stuck his tongue out to the camera and Ianto looked expressionless apart from the bright look in his eyes.

It was the last photo of the team before they either died or ran away.

Torchwood doesn't seem to have happy endings. Just tragic ones.

There was no such thing as fairy tales.

No such thing as happily ever after.

The End.


End file.
